


Breathing Room

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, First War with Voldemort OR Second War with Voldemort, Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-16
Updated: 2006-12-06
Packaged: 2018-10-26 15:56:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: They thought they had everything worked out; they thought everything was as perfect  as it could be, but there was one thing Sirius wanted that Remus wouldn’t give him and it was beginning to drive him mad. 2nd story in "The Sharing of Breath" series.





	1. Remembering Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: A sequel to _The Sharing of Breath_ , but written in such a way that reading the first story is unnecessary.   


* * *

XXXXXXX

 

**Part I: Remembering Yesterday**

 

XXXXXXX

 

In a lot of ways, Dahlia looked like Sirius. Her hair was long and black, her eyes gray and her skin smooth. She was tall and slender and always wore a black skirt. Every time Sirius went to visit Remus at work, she was there, sitting at a round table, drinking tea and eating a cheese sandwich. It didn’t strike Sirius as odd – at first.

 

Remus worked at a small restaurant where tea, coffees, and cold sandwiches were served. He stood behind a counter, punching in numbers on a Muggle cash register and taking money for food and drink. The café was small, with a dozen tables inside and half a dozen outside, all round with two chairs. It opened up in the morning at about sunrise and closed right before dark. Remus was only able to get the job for three days a week, but it was enough money to keep up with Sirius’ new lifestyle of bars and billiards. 

 

He didn’t have any skills for Muggle jobs and getting one in the wizarding world was out of the question because of his lycanthropy. Getting a part-time job was actually perfect, because no one questioned him when he disappeared for a couple days for the full moon. With a fulltime job, his employers might have begun to ask questions or sacked him for taking off work every single month. The café might not have been perfect, but it worked.

 

It was located in the outskirts of London and before his shifts, Remus would Apparate to Sirius’ house and walk the kilometer to work. He’d had the job for nearly a year and for the first few months, Sirius would sit at home or go bother James while Remus poured tea and counted money. That grew tiresome after a while and now Sirius had the habit of coming into the café about an hour before Remus closed up. He’d bring a book and have Remus give him tea or a plain Coke with no ice. There was a table in the corner that he liked to sit at, putting his legs up on the extra chair and reading whatever book Remus had recently given him.

 

Sirius went to visit Remus every shift without fail. He was fairly inconspicuous, only said his greetings to Remus and never spoke to anyone else. The other customers were always gone before Remus closed up and no one was the wiser. Then, after a few months, Sirius began to notice a girl coming in every time he was there. His sturdy ego told him that she was there because _he_ was there, but it didn’t take long before he realized that the girl was there for Remus and not for him at all.

 

This time, he walked into the café, holding a copy of _Anthem_ in his left hand. He pushed the hair away from his forehead and slapped the book down on the counter.

 

Remus turned and cleared his throat. His expression stayed neutral, but Sirius could see the amusement in his eyes.

 

“Can I get you something?”

 

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “I don’t care what. Surprise me.”

 

“All right.” Remus grabbed a white mug from the counter behind him and filled it with a light-colored liquid that steamed. “What book is that?” he asked as he handed the drink to Sirius.

 

Sirius snorted. “I dunno. This guy I know gave it to me and said I’d like it, but I dunno yet.”

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“We and us and the unspeakable word.”

 

“Sounds fascinating.”

 

“It’s interesting.”

 

Remus smiled and there was something in his eye, a glimmer that Sirius saw whenever he was looking at him.

 

“Well, enjoy your book, then.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He went with his tea to his table and sat down. Opening up his book, he put the mug to his mouth and smiled. Remus had slipped a bit of liquor into it, the sneaky bastard.

 

“Hi.”

 

Sirius nearly choked on his tea as his eyes flicked up. Dahlia had pulled up a chair and sat down. 

 

“Hi,” said Sirius. 

 

“I wanted to introduce myself.”

 

“You’re Darcy,” retorted Sirius, knowing full well that wasn’t her name.

 

“Dahlia.” 

 

“Whatever. I’m sure you know my name’s Sirius already.”

 

Dahlia nodded. “Aye.” She smiled. “I know you’re a friend of Remus’. I asked about you.”

 

“Yeah. We went to school together. Known him for nine and a bit years.”

 

“So you must know a lot about him, then.”

 

“Almost everything.” Sirius smoothed out the pages of his book and looked down at it, beginning to read and hoping that Dahlia would get the point that he wasn’t interested in a conversation with her. She was all right looking, with very thin features – a thin nose, thin cheeks, thin upper lip. 

 

Dahlia reached over and placed her hand over the book. “I wanted to ask if you knew Remus’ type.”

 

“Type of what?” asked Sirius, removing Dahlia’s hand and holding the book up in front of him.

 

“Oh, you know what I mean, silly. What kind of person does he date?”

 

Sirius smirked. “Are you asking me if Remus would be interested in _you_?”

 

Dahlia nodded. “He’s very shy, isn’t he? And he has those scars that he won’t talk about. This summer he had on a t-shirt and I noticed he had some on his arms, not just his face. You know where he got them, don’t you?”

 

Sirius shrugged. “I guess.”

 

“He just seems so mysterious.”

 

“So that’s why you’re interested in him? What’ll you do once you learn his secrets and he stops being a mystery?”

 

“I don’t know about that. I come in here every day and he seems to like me. He’s very friendly.”

 

“Remus is friendly to everyone.”

 

“I know, he talks to me and he’s very appealing, isn’t he?”

 

“Extremely,” muttered Sirius, growing annoyed with Dahlia.

 

“Can’t you tell me what he looks for?”

 

“What Remus looks for?” Sirius was suddenly amused. He glanced over the top of his book at her. “Someone who’s clever and reads a lot of books ... humorous ... dark hair ... long hair ... tall, thin ...”

 

“Sounds like me,” said Dahlia with a large smile.

 

“Sounds like _me_ ,” said Sirius, looking back down at his book.

 

Dahlia laughed. “That’s funny. I think you’re the wrong gender for Remus.”

 

“I highly doubt it, seeing as how he’s gay.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“No?”

 

“No. He doesn’t act gay. I don’t believe you.”

 

“And how many gay people d’you know?”

 

“Well, none, but—”

 

“So you really wouldn’t know, would you?”

 

“I still don’t believe you.”

 

Sirius shrugged. As if on cue, Remus came over, holding a damp cloth in his hand. He wiped down each of the tables on the way to the one where Sirius sat with Dahlia. If the café was clear of customers, save Sirius, Remus normally pointed his wand and used magic to clean up. it was faster and more efficient and the owner loved it when Remus closed the store; no one got the place cleaner, he always said.

 

Sirius couldn’t help but looked at Remus, in his black t-shirt with the name of the café in white print, his jeans and black shoes. His hair still fell across his forehead in the same way it did when they were back at Hogwarts, but the scar that ran across his nose had faded considerably. There was something so easy about the way he looked and he wasn’t as good looking as Sirius or James were, but when he was in Sirius’ presence he held himself differently, with a confidence and demeanor that shouted _I know I look good_ – which was probably because Sirius always thought Remus _did_ look good.

 

“There’s fifteen minutes until closing,” he said. “Er – what are you two talking about?”

 

“Your friend here is trying to convince me I’m not your type,” said Dahlia, tossing her long hair over her shoulder in a flirtatious manner. Sirius sniggered.

 

Remus laughed uncomfortably and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “And how is he doing that?” he asked, but Sirius could tell the question was directed more at him than at Dahlia.

 

“By telling me you’re gay.”

 

“Oh. I see. I wonder why he’d say something like that.” 

 

Sirius closed his book. “Well, I figure why lead her on? The truth is always the best answer.”

 

“Is it, Sirius? You’re a bastard sometimes.”

 

“So he’s lying, then?” asked Dahlia, a hopeful tone to her voice.

 

Remus sighed. “Partly,” he said. “Truth is, I’m in a relationship – if you can call it that,” he added, glaring at Sirius. 

 

“With a girl, though, right?” Dahlia inquired, looking rather nervous, her eyes flickering uncertainly towards Sirius for a brief moment before returning to Remus.

 

“Not exactly ...” said Remus.

 

“Oh.” Dahlia stood up, her face turning very pink. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were gay.”

 

“I’m not. I’m – never mind. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great girl, but you’re probably a bit young for me anyway.”

 

“I’m nearly sixteen,” she said, holding her head a bit higher.

 

“I’m nearly twenty-one,” said Remus uselessly. “I’m sorry. I like you, I like talking about the books you’re reading in school, but unfortunately ... I’m sorry.”

 

Dahlia nodded and quickly left the café.

 

“I could hex you,” snapped Remus, taking out his wand and magicking all the tables clean. With another couple of flicks, he cleaned all the mugs, glasses, and plates, and put everything back in its place.

 

“She deserved the truth,” said Sirius.

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

“She thought she had a chance with you. You’re so bloody nice to everyone.”

 

“So?” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket, making them spring to life and clean the sticky floor where customers had spilt teas and Cokes and cheese sandwiches all day long.

 

Sirius stood up and faced Remus. “I didn’t like her.”

 

“You didn’t like her because you don’t trust me, you git.”

 

“I trust you,” said Sirius, “even though you still like girls.”

 

“Are we still _on_ that? You’re gay. I’m not. Can’t we leave the conversation be? It’s getting tired.”

 

“If you’re going to be in a shit mood tonight, you can go on home to your mummy and I’ll go to the bar by myself.”

 

“I’m not in a shit mood!” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket and made them stop their cleaning. He used a _Scourgify_ to finish off the floor; it wasn’t as clean as when done by soap and water, but it seemed Remus wasn’t in the mood to care.

 

“Look,” said Remus, “I’m a really private person, aren’t I? I don’t like people knowing my secrets and I especially don’t want them knowing this one. It’s nothing to do with me still liking girls or the fact that you’re so bloody upset that I’m not gay and you are. I don’t want people knowing I’m involved with another man. Muggles are prejudice about gays the way wizards are prejudice about werewolves.”

 

“She wouldn’t have let up on you until you agreed to take her out.”

 

“I could’ve handled it. Though she’ll probably never come back here again. I’m not going to the bar with you. I haven’t the money this week.”

 

“Fine,” said Sirius. “We could go to the Muggle cinema.”

 

“I just said—”

 

“I’ll pay for you. Christ, Moony, you act like me paying for you is charity.”

 

“If we’re going to argue all night, I _will_ go home.”

 

“If you don’t want to go to the cinema, what _do_ you want to do?” 

 

“Nothing. The cinema is fine,” said Remus, walking to the coat rack by the door and taking his jacket down. He pulled it on and reached for his scarf. “I don’t want to see any of your killing movies, though, where everyone kills everyone else. There’s enough of that with You Know Who.”

 

“But—”

 

“Please, no.”

 

“But there’s a movie out based on _Heart of Darkness_.”

 

Remus paused as he pulled on his gloves. “... Really?”

 

“I promise.”

 

“All right. But _only_ because it’s based on a book.” Remus reached for the door handle, but Sirius stopped him.

 

“I didn’t mean to tell her the ... _secret_ ,” said Sirius. “I’m not jealous. I see you talk to girls all the time and it’s not a big thing. You don’t do well with confrontation and I thought it easier to tell her so she wouldn’t hound you ‘til you fucking caved and went on a date with her.”

 

“Like how you had to go on that date to Hogsmeade with that girl in seventh year?”

 

Sirius laughed. “Yeah! Bloody awful, that.” He took the ends of Remus’ scarf and twisted them around his hands. Pulling on them, he brought Remus close enough to kiss his mouth. “Don’t see the point of girls.”

 

“You wouldn’t.”

 

“What are you so afraid of?” asked Sirius. “I mean, afraid of people knowing? Not strangers – fine I shouldn’t of told Dannah—”

 

“Dahlia.”

 

“Whatever. But why not Lily and James? They probably know anyway so why not just bloody tell them?”

 

“Why do you want them to know so badly?”

 

“Because it’s been over two fucking _years_ , Remus, and keeping it a secret is stupid and hard. It was hard enough trying to explain to them why I wasn’t bringing a date to the goddamn wedding and it’s been, like, two years since they got married and I still don’t have any dates – even though I _do_ have dates. I just can’t tell them.”

 

“It’s none of their business. I’d have the same reaction if you were a girl. I don’t like people knowing intimate details of my life.”

 

“It’s not like I’d bloody tell them how you moan my name when I shove my cock up your arse.”

 

Remus shrugged out of Sirius’ grasp. “I cannot believe you said that. What’s wrong with you?”

 

Sirius groaned in frustration. “Remember all this shit with me only meeting you halfway? And how I had to get over myself and go all the way? If your version of halfway is all physical, then mine is – fuck, I don’t even know the right word for it – emotional.” Sirius paused. “Ohh good Christ, I’m a girl.”

 

“You are not. Shut up. I didn’t realize that having people know was so important.”

 

“No,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “Not people, just my best mate. I don’t like lying to him and making excuses when you’re at my house.”

 

“You make excuses?”

 

“Sometimes he’ll ask me to go out for a drink, but you’re over, so I have to owl him back and tell him I’m not in the mood. Which is stupid because I’m always in the mood to go out and he probably knows exactly what I’m doing instead, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me live this fucking lie and I hate it.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Remember that time in History of Magic, when he made that hangman puzzle that said, ‘Padfoot Loves Moony’?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I denied it then. We both denied it back then. I’m tired of denying it. Why d’we keep telling them no? Gah, this is making me just about as mad as you not moving in makes me.”

 

“I don’t see what the big thing is,” said Remus, “if James and Lily already know.”

 

“Just forget it.”

 

“Padfoot, no.”

 

Sirius shook his head. Remus hardly ever used his nickname unless he was trying to placate him or if they were being particularly playful. Now was not the time for “Padfoot” and he wanted to forget the entire argument. The point wasn’t whether James and Lily knew, it was that Sirius couldn’t tell them. At Hogwarts, whenever James got in a row with Lily, he’d seek Sirius out to talk about it – or complain about Lily, rather. They didn’t share any matters of the heart, but Sirius always listened to him rant and helped him figure things out. It was hard not being able to go to James and tell him about something Remus had done to annoy, frustrate, or tick him off. Sometimes Sirius even thought that perhaps Lily would be a good ally – girls were usually good with untangling the confusing thoughts in one’s head.

 

He didn’t want to keep up the fight with Remus; it wasn’t worth it. 

 

“Cinema?” asked Sirius.

 

“Fine, but I need to owl my mum and tell her not to send a search party for me when I don’t come home.”

 

Sirius smirked. “You’re twenty.”

 

“My mum worries about me. The whole lycanthropy bit makes her mad, so she’s protective.”

 

“She wouldn’t be so bloody protective if you’d just move in. Then you wouldn’t be around for her to worry about.”

 

“I’m not having this conversation with you.”

 

“All right, you can use my owl. Let’s go.”

 

Outside, the air was clear and still. It was cold enough to snow, but the ground was clean. In the morning there would most likely be the crunch of frost underneath Sirius’ feet when he went into the front garden to retrieve the Muggle newspaper that he got. Now, everything was clear and quiet, with a hazy light off in the horizon where the sun was dipping down between the trees for the night.

 

They walked down the pavement towards Sirius’ house shoulder-to-shoulder. They never held hands, even when no one was watching. It was as though they were just friends who sometimes did things together while without any clothes on.

 

Sirius breathed in the cold through his nose and felt the frost that laced the air in his lungs. They arrived to his house a few minutes later, walking up the few steps to his front door. The house was white and very small, with a kitchen, one toilet, one bathroom, and one bedroom. The largest room was rectangular and very long, a lounge and dining room combined. It was small, but Sirius loved it. He couldn’t imagine having a bigger house; he had enough trouble remembering to set the cleaning charms as it was now.

 

Remus went through the house and out the backdoor that was located through the kitchen. Sirius could hear him in the back garden calling for his owl. Sirius took his book out from his back pocket, where he’d shoved it before their walk home, and sat on the sofa. He opened it to where he’d left off, but he wasn’t very focused on the story.

 

Instead, his mind wandered. He tried to understand why Remus refused to move in. At Hogwarts, his reason had been that neither of them were mature enough to live together. Living in the dormitories was different, he’d argued, and Sirius imagined he was probably right. They had classes to escape to and elves to cook their meals. On their own they would have to fend for themselves and they wouldn’t have James to tell them to shut up when they began to row. Hogwarts was two years ago and now Sirius wanted Remus to just move his shit into his house and shut up about it.

 

Sirius got up from the sofa and went into his kitchen. Remus finished up his note to his mum, rolled it up, and tied it to the leg of Sirius’ owl. 

 

“Ready?”

 

Remus nodded. “Yes, hold on a moment.” He offered his arm to the owl and she happily jumped on it. His fingers stroked her head as he opened the kitchen door. “Take this to my mum. You know where she is, yeah?” 

 

The owl hooted and took off into the air.

 

“I hope your Muggle neighbors never see me sending that owl away. They’ll call animal control.”

 

Sirius sniggered. He fumbled in his coat pockets for his pack of Muggle cigarettes and pulled one out. 

 

“Let me,” said Remus, taking his wand out of his pocket. “You always scorch your eyebrows when you try.” He tapped his wand against the end of Sirius’ cigarette, lighting it. “That’s a bad habit.”

 

“I’ve heard,” said Sirius, holding it out so Remus could take a drag on it.

 

“Did you do your laundry today?”

 

“My laundry? I still have two pair of clean pants.”

 

“I suppose that means ‘no,’ then.”

 

“I don’t do laundry ‘til I’ve got no underwear to wear. Why? It’s not like you live here to get on my back about chores.”

 

Remus must have detected the playful tone to Sirius’ voice for he smiled and poked Sirius in the side. “I just wondered because you said you’d wash the pajamas I keep here.”

 

“Did I say that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can’t imagine why.”

 

“I should’ve known better than to trust you to do household chores.”

 

“Just go to sleep starkers,” said Sirius. “I’m sure before we sleep you’ll be wearing not very much in the way of clothes.”

 

“You know exactly how to sweet talk me,” retorted Remus rather dryly. “There’s so much sweet romance in our relationship my teeth are rotting.”

 

Sirius grinned. “Cinema. Let’s go.”

 

XXXXXXX

 

It was hard to gage when they officially got together. The word “officially” was a strange one. There hadn’t been a conversation about it; they just assumed they were together and that had been that. If Sirius calculated their relationship from the first time Remus had read to him, they’d been together for three years. If things began at that first kiss, then they’d been together only two and a half. Either way, it was bloody long enough for Remus to stop being such a twat and move in already!

 

It had been a bumpy road, getting together. Sirius had tried to stay in denial for as long as possible. He tried not to want Remus and then hated himself because he couldn’t help it. When Remus tried to kiss him for that first time, Sirius almost didn’t let him, almost told him he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t be with a boy. He was weak when it came to Remus and he gave into that kiss and now, years later, they were still together.

 

Things couldn’t possibly have moved any slower, so they progressed rather quickly in their physical relationship. Sirius knew that if he wanted things with Remus to work he couldn’t do it just halfway – Remus had said as much anyway. It was a hard thing to accept, that he wanted to touch Remus everywhere, but Sirius bit back his fear, breathed out courage, and three weeks after their first kiss, he undid Remus’ trousers and touched him. Surprise, shock, astonishment, and amazement filled Remus’ eyes as Sirius bit his collar bone and brought him off.

 

After that, his shy, private, and secretive Remus made all the moves. It seemed as though Sirius’ initial move to progress their relationship past simple snogging was enough to fuel Remus to do everything that came after that. Hands and mouths in places that had never been touched before by another boy – places that had never been touched before by _anyone_. It was almost a year, however, before they had sex. They hadn’t talked about it, but it was the pink manticore in the room – the thing that they both knew they wanted, but neither of them would talk about it.

 

Remus was the one who brought it up, one night in May as they laid on the grass in the back garden, sharing a Muggle cigarette. At Hogwarts Remus never smoked, using his prefect status as an excuse, but now he did if Sirius did. Sometimes they’d smoke Muggle pot or wizard weed (called elfish bark), but Remus didn’t like losing control of his brain functions so he usually demurred, leaving Sirius to smoke with James whenever he could manage to tear himself away from Lily.

 

“Do you ever think about having sex?” Remus had asked as he handed the half-burnt cigarette back to Sirius.

 

“I’ve had sex already.”

 

“I meant with me.”

 

“Oh.” Sirius took an especially long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs until he felt his throat start to burn as the smoke began to rise to the back up into mouth. He exhaled and let out a short cough. “I dunno.”

 

“I think about it.”

 

“Really?”

 

Remus had nodded. “Yes.” He turned his head to look at Sirius. “Most people have sex, don’t they? You slept with girls at Hogwarts.”

 

It had taken a lot of willpower for Sirius to keep his gaze up at the crescent moon and not meet Remus’ eyes.

 

“Having sex with you would be kind of weird, wouldn’t it?” Sirius had finally said, after too-long a silence.

 

“Why would it be? We do everything else.”

 

“Yeah, but this is ... bigger. I don’t know if I could – the thought makes me all – fucking jittery. Look, I’m shaking.”

 

“That’s because you smoked the rest of that cigarette too quickly,” said Remus.

 

The cigarette in Sirius’ hand had been smoked all it was going to be and he hadn’t even realized he’d inhaled that many times. With a flick, Sirius tossed the cigarette away and sat up.

 

“James doesn’t know how often you come over,” he blurted.

 

Remus sniggered. “I didn’t figure you and he shared the intimate details of our lives. I can’t imagine his reaction if he knew the balls you played with weren’t your own.”

 

Sirius had nearly choked on his own saliva. “You say shit like that, Remus, and you sound like me. Really, though, James hasn’t got a single idea about what we do. I’ve never told him and he’s never asked. So sometimes it’s like I could almost pretend we never do anything, ‘cause no one knows. But if we had sex, I couldn’t really avoid it.”

 

“Do you want to?”

 

Sirius had shaken his head and sighed. “No and I never want to avoid it. I just meant that it would be easy to pretend nothing ever happens.”

 

“But if we had sex, your psyche would keep reminding you that everything is real?”

 

“Mmm hmmm,” said Sirius. 

 

“I’ll go first.”

 

“Go first where?”

 

“First. I’ll let you have sex with me first.”

 

Sirius exhaled. “Shit,” he whispered. “All right. I want to. Just seems ...”

 

“Still seems like you shouldn’t be with another guy?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He looked down at Remus, who was still lying on the grass. The scar that ran across his nose was hidden by shadow, but he still looked very much like Remus, thin and long, with fringe that threatened to completely hide his eyes and strong fingers that flexed, as though just waiting to touch Sirius.

 

“You’ve done it before, with girls, I mean. So you probably know what you’re doing better than I do so you can go first and I’ll learn from you.”

 

Sirius couldn’t deny that Remus’ logic made sense. “Let’s go inside.”

 

Remus had nodded and stood up, brushing grass and dirt from his jeans. He went in through the kitchen door and walked slowly into the lounge. Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They fooled around, grinding against one another, their mouths everywhere, until Remus pulled back and told Sirius to do it.

 

Full of hazy lust, Remus’ eyes were dark and he had them half-closed as he looked up at Sirius. There had been a pregnant moment right after that, where they looked at one another, not saying anything at all. A calloused thumb brushed across Sirius’ unshaven cheek, making a scratchy noise by his ear. With his own fingers, Sirius ran his hands down Remus’ chest, past his hips, and towards his thighs. Their breaths mingled as Sirius bent down and kissed Remus. The kiss had been quiet and they didn’t say anything, but their silence hung in the air, surrounding them, and said everything they needed to hear.

 

They had already done the preparations by that point, not only just that night, but in the months before, if “preparations” was even the right word to call it. What they did was enjoyable, for both of them, but they also knew that their fingers and the bottle of slicky stuff had a purpose beyond just that immediate enjoyment.

 

At first, they’d been unable to figure out exactly how to position themselves before Sirius had said, “Fuck it,” and turned Remus over on his stomach. He had wanted to see Remus’ face, watch him closely, but he had also needed to do this and do this _right then_. 

 

When he was in him – _inside_ – everything felt different, intense, almost overwhelming. Not only did the act define the thing Sirius had never been ready to admit about himself, but it was with Remus, someone who was patient and understanding and didn’t push him to admit he preferred wizards over witches – which was actually a very comforting thing, considering the things he and Remus had been doing for over a year by that point.

 

Sirius had reached his hand around to Remus’ front and spread his fingers over his chest. There was a _thumpthumpthump_ under his palm as Remus’ heart pumped quickly and erratically. His heart continued to race until Sirius finished.

 

He withdrew from Remus and fell on his side, breathing in deeply to try and catch his breath. Where once silence said everything, now it said nothing at all, and Sirius began to feel anxiety seep out of his pores like a poison; he was worried that Remus’ stillness meant the worst, meant that having sex had been a mistake.

 

“How was it?” asked Sirius, his voice seeming harsh as it broke the quiet.

 

“Interesting,” answered Remus.

 

“Is that a good or bad thing?”

 

Remus stretched and rolled over onto his back. His eyes were focused on the ceiling and his cheeks had a faint blush.

 

“It was good,” said Remus quietly, his blush deepening.

 

“Good?” Sirius smirked. “I was always good at sex.”

 

“Right.”

 

“D’you wanna do it again?”

 

“Can you even get it up yet?”

 

“I didn’t mean _now_.”

 

“Oh.” Remus was beginning to look like an overly ripe tomato. “Yes. I’d do it again.”

 

Sirius had lazily stretched his hand out and touched Remus’ chin. With a gentle pull, he made the other boy turn his head and look at him. Remus looked rather bashful all of a sudden and Sirius had tried to offer him a reassuring smile.

 

“If I’m not embarrassed then you sure as bloody hell shouldn’t be.”

 

Remus nodded. “All right. So ... you liked it?”

 

“Oh yeah. Felt bloody amazing.”

 

“Hmmm. Really? Good.”

 

Sirius had kissed him then, to try and rid them of their awkwardness. Their kisses didn’t last very long before Sirius pulled away and buried himself under the blankets, molding himself against Remus as though they were but one body. Once, Sirius had thought himself a half and when he went to Hogwarts he found himself a best mate and became whole. But then his best mate found a girl and was a new whole, with someone else. When Sirius found Remus, he became more than whole, more than complete, filled up so entirely with something new that he was sure he would burst at the seams. 

 

After that first time they had sex frequently – as frequently as possible. For almost six months it went on like that, spending as much time together as they could, their nights spent touching and kisses and fucking. Except it was always Remus doing the taking. He had always been desperate for people to like him, willing to placate them and cater to their wants, their needs, in hopes that if they ever found out about his lycanthropy they wouldn’t care because they already liked him so much. It was this character flaw that kept him from saying anything to Sirius about how their sex life was rather one-sided. Sirius touched him with his hands and his mouth, but he had never offered up his own body the way Remus had.

 

They had gone to a bar one night, a wizard joint hidden somewhere in Manchester, with James and Peter. Peter had to Floo to the flat he shared with his cousin, because he was too drunk to Disapparate. James had done the same thing, only he had gone home to his wife.

 

“Are you coming home with me?” asked Sirius when he and Remus were the only two left in the entire bar. Outside there was the pinkish haze of sunrise and surprisingly, Sirius was hardly drunk.

 

“No.”

 

The word itself had been enough of a shock; Remus had never refused to go home with Sirius before. But it wasn’t only the word, it was also the _way_ he said it, with his eyes narrowed, his jaw set, as though he was angry.

 

“Fucking why not?”

 

“That’s the exact reason,” said Remus. “Fucking.”

 

“Ohh, well, we don’t have to, y’know. I don’t force you to do anything you don’t want.”

 

Remus shook his head. “This has somehow become a one-way relationship where you never let me be on top. Do you remember how when we first started doing this, I said that you couldn’t go halfway? You had to go all the way? You’re only meeting me halfway and I don’t like it.”

 

Sirius frowned. “You never _asked_ for me to—”

 

“Yes, I have!” Remus had cried. “Don’t pretend to be completely thick, Sirius. I’ve asked and you always say ‘next time.’ Next time has come and gone and I’m done until we’re equals in this relationship or else I’ve been a fool to think this was a relationship at all.” Reaching into his pocket, Remus pulled out some gold and silver coins and tossed them onto the table. “That should cover my drinks. I’m going home.”

 

“Fine, just run away to Mummy, just like you do every time we have a bloody fight.”

 

Remus had gotten up from the table and was halfway to the door when he turned around, glaring at Sirius.

 

“This is why we can’t live together,” he said. “You’re too defensive. Nothing is ever your fault. We’d end up hexing each other until one of us had blue boils that we could never get rid of. We’d never have any breathing room and we’d drive each other mad. I’m going home. When you’re no longer angry you can owl me.”

 

Sirius ended up ordering four more drinks, even though the bar was closing. He did the shots right in a row and took a room upstairs for the night, finally too drunk to Apparate and his house wasn’t set up with the Floo Network.

 

He had sworn for three days that he wasn’t going to cave in. He wasn’t going to owl Remus. If Remus was so ready to break up, fine. He didn’t care. Only his moods were even worse than they’d been in seventh year. He was miserable and James threatened to use the Imperius Curse on him and force him into a good mood. Sirius refused to tell him what was wrong. 

 

On the fourth day, Sirius had given in and Apparated into the Lupins’ back garden. He’d been to Remus’ house before, but always as a friend, never as a lover. Mr. and Mrs. Lupin didn’t know that Sirius and Remus’ relationship had changed and Sirius hoped he could keep the secret.

 

Mrs. Lupin was in the back garden, digging up roots in her vegetable patch. She looked just like Remus, with the same hair and eyes and smile. 

 

“What’re you doing here, Sirius? You look terrible.”

 

Sirius shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “Yeah,” he’d said. “Is Remus here?”

 

“I think he’s in the front garden with his dad. The car broke down again. He insists on keeping that thing, even though he’s retired and we can simply Floo anywhere we want to go. But he’s a Muggle and you know how stubborn they are.”

 

Sirius tried to smile, only he didn’t have the energy for even that.

 

“Bad break-up?” ventured Mrs. Lupin. “I’ve seen that same look before on my younger brother. He’s a confirmed bachelor nowadays.”

 

Sirius nodded. “The worst. Say ... has Remus been acting normal lately?”

 

“Normal?” Mrs. Lupin looked slightly confused. “Of course he has. Why wouldn’t he? Has something happened?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “No, not really. He seemed a little on edge the other night, but he was probably just tired. The full moon was only just a couple nights before.”

 

“Well, go find Remus, then.”

 

Sirius had walked around the outside of the house until he got to the front. The Lupins’ nearest neighbors were over a kilometer away and the land and trees surrounding their house were very quiet. It was an ideal house when Remus was little; his parents could put him in the shed on full moons and their neighbors were too far away to hear the howling and scratching of the wolf.

 

In the drive, Mr. Lupin had tools in his hands the hood to his old car propped up. He was pointing to things in the engine, as though trying to teach Remus about automobiles. In the ways Remus looked nothing like his mum, he looked exactly like his dad. They shared the same thin-framed body, wide nose, and reserved mannerisms. 

 

When Remus had finally looked up and saw Sirius, his expression remained neutral and Sirius envied his knack for being able to hide his emotions so well.

 

“Hi,” mumbled Sirius.

 

“Hi. Er, Dad, I’m going to go to London for the afternoon.”

 

“Another bar?” he asked, laughing and turning around to look at Sirius. “Hello, Sirius. Come to steal Remus away from fixing my car?”

 

“Oh, we went to a bar already this week. We’ll probably go to James’ new house and play cards. I’ll owl you if I’m not coming home.”

 

“You young men these days!” laughed Mr. Lupin. “I’ve never seen anyone so eager to go sleep on someone else’s sofa.”

 

“Right, Dad. I’ll see you later.”

 

They had simply looked at one another and immediately Disapparated, appearing in Sirius’ lounge half a moment later.

 

“All right,” said Sirius. “Do it.”

 

“Okay,” said Remus dryly. “Bend over. Let’s get it done with.”

 

Sirius’ frown deepened. “I’ll try it. You gotta help me, y’know ... prepare ... or whatever.”

 

“You always help me. I wouldn’t do any less for you.”

 

“I think ... I think if I can do this then we’ll be okay, right? I mean – I’m willing to try.”

 

“You sound rather adverse to the idea. I don’t want to force you to do it.”

 

Sirius shook his head. “No, I want to. I’ve thought about it before, but you never insisted so I didn’t bring it up ... but now ... James threatened me with Unforgivable Curses if I didn’t stop being such a miserable arse.”

 

“You’ve been miserable again?”

 

“Worse than ever. I’m so fucking moody even my moods have moods.”

 

“Does James know why you’re miserable?”

 

“Don’t know,” Sirius had replied with a shrug. “I don’t think so. Even if we don’t do it tonight, can’t you just stay? I’ve been total rubbish the past few days without you.”

 

“Total rubbish?”

 

Sirius had nodded. “Complete rubbish.”

 

Then, they’d kissed, come together and stripped each other of their shirts, kicking off their shoes and toeing off their socks. The only coherent thought either of them had was to go to the bedroom so they wouldn’t do this on the hard wood floor. That was the night when Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded, turning over because he didn’t want Remus to see him, see the way he slammed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face, waiting for it, wanting to get it over with.

 

But it wasn’t bad, which was the exact thing Sirius had been so bloody afraid of. The feel of it, the feel of Remus, he liked it and he wanted it. When it was over, there had been a strange feeling of still being stretched, even though Remus was gone. A feeling of absence when he’d once felt full.

 

He’d stayed on his stomach, breathing into the pillow. Remus nudged him and he turned his head.

 

“Well?”

 

Sirius, for all his tough, manly exterior, wanted to cry. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Sirius had shaken his head then, mumbling something incoherently.

 

“Sirius ...”

 

“I haven’t thought about girls in ages,” he said.

 

“Okay ...”

 

“Have you?”

 

Remus had looked surprised. “What do you mean?”

 

“D’you look at girls?”

 

“Yes. I suppose. I look at girls _and_ boys, but everyone does that. I mean, everyone looks at those they’re attracted to; I think that’s only natural. You’re the only one I’m _with_ , though, so don’t worry.”

 

“I’m not worried. I’m not jealous, either. I know you’re with me and you’d never have some wild affair behind my back.”

 

For a moment he looked as though he might laugh, but Remus shook his head instead. “I wouldn’t. So what’s wrong?”

 

“I haven’t thought about girls in ages. And I – well, I was fucking terrified out of my skull, y’know – about doing _that_ – what we just did.”

 

“Why? Did it hurt that much?”

 

“No. Well, I mean, I guess. I dunno.”

 

“Thanks for clearing things up,” said Remus.

 

“I liked it and I want you to do it again, which was what I was so bloody afraid of happening.”

 

“Why? You should always just do whatever feels good when we’re together. Kind of defeats the purpose if you don’t do things you like.”

 

Sirius shook his head. “I liked it because I’m fucking gay.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I thought you were over that particular hang-up?”

 

Sirius had laughed and shook his head. “That’s the first time I’ve said it aloud. I’ve never even said to myself, but fucking hell, Moony. I’m gay. Nuaaggh! Don’t tell anyone.”

 

“I won’t. Do you feel better now that you’ve admitted it?”

 

“You still fancy yourself bi, don’t you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“God fucking damn it.”

 

“Is it so bad? Being gay?”

 

“Not with you.”

 

Remus had smiled, then, a true smile, one Sirius hadn’t seen in almost a month. They kissed them, briefly, and then lay together in companionable silence. 

 

Of course there had been rows after that, bickering, and fighting. There had been the occasional hex, but nothing that would end up in permanent blue boils or anything. There wasn’t anything abnormal about their relationship; they both gave some and took some, partners in their relationship, equals. And now that Sirius had finally experienced the giving _and_ the taking, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

XXXXXXX

 

**End Part I**

 

XXXXXXX


	2. Part II: Living Today

XXXXXXX

 

****Part II: Living Today** **

XXXXXXX

 

There was a long queue outside the cinema, all Muggles dressed in thick coats with scarves and hats with snowflakes or reindeer. Remus tilted his head back and looked up. Everything was black with a sprinkling of stars, the moon looking mostly full, but hidden by whispers of clouds, ghosting their way across the sky.

 

“I think it’s going to snow tonight,” he said.

 

“Why?”

 

“It smells like snow.”

 

“You and your canine senses. That’s because it’s winter.”

 

Remus looked at Sirius. “Your lips are chapped.”

 

“That’s because of winter, too.”

 

“Hmmm. A Galleon says it’s going to snow tonight. Remember the last time we played in the snow?”

 

“With James and Lily?”

 

“Yes. Back before you started going on missions for Dumbledore.”

 

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t work so it’s nice to feel useful.”

 

“You should feel useful most days of the week, then.”

 

“Worried about me?” 

 

“Sometimes.”

 

They joined the end of the queue, Sirius bouncing back and forth from one foot to the other to get his blood pumping. When he breathed out, he could see his breath, white like fog against the air. 

 

“S’fucking cold.”

 

“You whinge all the time. Stop it. You don’t need a boyfriend, you need a proper mother.”

 

Sirius laughed. “I need someone to do my laundry.”

 

“Another good reason why I won’t move in – I’m not doing your bloody laundry.”

 

“Smelly pants?”

 

“Smelly everything – oh, god, there’re James and Lily.”

 

Sirius quickly turned around and spotted a couple walking down the sidewalk. Their faces were hidden behind the crowd of people, but the bright shade of ginger on Lily’s head and the wild black of James’ hair were very distinguishable. 

 

“Oh god,” repeated Remus.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Sirius. “You like James and Mrs. Potter.”

 

“Can’t you call her Lily?”

 

“No.”

 

“And I do like them, but they don’t know about us.” Remus’ voice was barely even a whisper. 

 

“They’re not complete idiots.”

 

“They still don’t __know__ , not for sure. And us at the cinema looks suspiciously like a date.”

 

“A date!” howled Sirius, laughing. 

 

“Will you __be quiet__?”

 

“When was the last time we were on a __date__ , Remus? We don’t do that romantic shit. MRS. POTTER!”

 

“Oh, god, can’t you ever shut up?”

 

“No, it’s impossible.”

 

Sirius practically felt Remus grow rigid as Lily and James approached. He didn’t want to start up the row they’d had an hour or so before, but he was really growing annoyed at Remus’ refusal to let their best mates know they were involved.

 

Lily looked as pretty as always, but James looked slightly dazed. It was the same look he got after he smoked elfish bark with Sirius, only James would never do that with Lily around.

 

“Hello, boys,” said Lily.

 

“Hi,” said Remus, a slight squeak to his voice. “How’re you?”

 

James mumbled something incoherently and played with the zipper of his coat. Sirius studied him, wondering what the hell was wrong with his best mate.

 

“Are you all right?” asked Sirius. When James didn’t answer, he glanced at Lily. “What’s wrong with your husband?”

 

“I’ve shocked him into oblivion,” she answered. “I thought perhaps going to the cinema might snap him out of his daze, but not yet.”

 

“What’d you do?” Sirius pushed James in the shoulder. “Hey, mate, you look like you drank a pint of Bemusement Draught.”

 

“We’re having a baby,” said Lily.

 

If Remus hadn’t been standing so close to Sirius, he imagined he would have fallen right over, but the body behind him supported him. Lily didn’t seem to be joking, but she didn’t seem to look any different either.

 

“But you’re not, y’know ... fat.”

 

“You’re so sensitive, Sirius, thank you for that. It’s a wonder how you haven’t had a girlfriend since you were sixteen.”

 

“Maybe I don’t __want__ a girlfriend if they’re going to go off and do daft things like have babies.”

 

“No,” said James, the first coherent word he’d spoken. “No babies. Just one, singular, two arms, two legs, one head. There will be not pluralization of the baby.”

 

“Did he just say—?” began Sirius.

 

“Yes,” said Lily. “He’s lost the ability to speak normally.” She sighed dramatically. “I’m only a few weeks along and we’re a bit young and hadn’t really planned it, but you can’t really stop fate, can you?”

 

“Uh,” said Sirius.

 

“No,” said Remus.

 

“Singular,” said James.

 

“Women used to mother children when they were twelve and thirteen years old,” commented Remus. “So, if you lived a few hundred years ago, Lily, you’d be an old maid.”

 

“Way to be __sensitive__ , there, Remo,” chortled Sirius.

 

Lily smiled. “Actually,” she said, “Remus is fairly sensitive. You might want to learn some things from him if you ever want to baby-sit for us.”

 

“No. I don’t like children. They’re ... loud and ... smell funny.” Sirius shook his head. “No children. Besides, having children is so ... grown up and adult.”

 

“ _ _You__ smell funny,” said James. “When he’s old enough we’ll let you teach him how to hex Snivellus.”

 

“Excellent—”

 

“We will __not__!” shrieked Lily. “James already said he wanted you to be the godfather, Sirius, but this is the exact reason why I don’t think you’d be a good choice! You’d corrupt our child!”

 

“If I’m godfather, does that make Remus the godmother?”

 

James and Lily both laughed, but Sirius knew he had gone too far when Remus took a step back from him, beginning to look furious. That was the second time in the same night he had made Remus angry. It wasn’t his fault; his mouth liked to say things before he brain even thought them.

 

“Actually,” said Remus, taking a deep breath, the anger on his face ebbing away. “I’d have imagined __you__ as the godmother, since you prefer the bottom, rather than the top, which pretty much makes you the girl in the relationship.”

 

Sirius noticed the Muggles in front of them turn around to look at them curiously. James and Lily both had their mouths open in shock and Sirius wasn’t sure what had just happened. Had Remus really said—? When he looked at Remus, the other boy looked slightly sheepish, but had a smile threatening to reveal itself across his lips.

 

James cleared his throat. “I never would have guessed ... I think you just snapped me out of my daze.”

 

Remus shrugged. “Well, I hear the truth is always the best road to take.” He looked at Sirius when he said it. 

 

The queue moved up several people and they followed it. Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm and looked at him.

 

“What the hell was that?” he asked, low enough so James and Lily couldn’t overhear.

 

Remus looked up at him shyly. “It seemed like the best way to stop our row,” he said, “to make it not exist anymore.”

 

“You really didn’t have to—”

 

“They know, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

 

“Did you really have to say I like the bottom better, you pillock?”

 

“What picture were you planning on seeing?” asked Lily, throwing her arm around Remus’ shoulder before he could answer Sirius’ question.

 

“ _ _Heart of Darkness__ something or other,” said Sirius.

 

“Oh, what a terrible book. Remus, you don’t actually want to see that, do you?”

 

“I don’t know,” said Remus. “But if it’s based on a book, it can’t be too terrible, can it?”

 

“You three don’t think it’s odd that we’re in queue for something that only Muggles go to?” asked James.

 

“I used to go to the cinema all the time when I was little,” said Lily. Sirius watched as she leaned close to Remus and whispered something in his ear. He flushed and nodded as she said, “I thought so.”

 

“Going to share?” asked Sirius.

 

Lily shook her head. “No. Oh, look, you’re next. Go buy your tickets.”

 

XXXXXXX

 

“So why’d you do it?” Sirius asked as he opened the back door to his house. 

 

They entered the kitchen, with its yellow wallpaper peeling and ripped, revealing the uneven plaster behind it. Scarred with carvings from a kitchen knife, the table was small and round, accompanied by two chairs that had red and gold cushions, the colors of Gryffindor. The blemishes Sirius made on the tabletop were stupid – words and phrases, incantations he didn’t want to forget. Near the edge he had carved five letters that always seemed to draw his attention: REMUS. He had never written his name like that before, but he liked looking at it, liked repeating it over and over again in his lead like an invocation. The rest of the kitchen was very standard, an icebox, counter space, open shelves above the sink for dishes and glasses; it was very Muggle.

 

“I don’t know.” Remus took off his coat and tossed it on the kitchen table, obscuring the cut of his name from Sirius’ view. “I don’t like drawing attention to the fact that we’re together. If you were a girl I’d feel the same way. I don’t want to answer questions about our relationship and I don’t want people watching us the way we used to watch Lily and James when they first started dating. I don’t want any attention on me.”

 

“... But?”

 

“You know that me being a private person has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me?”

 

Sirius shrugged. He unbuttoned his jacket and shrugged it off, throwing it on top of Remus’. 

 

“I suppose of everyone who __should__ know, I mind James and Lily knowing least. I don’t want strangers knowing – so if another girl like Dahlia wants to chat me up, don’t tell her anything.”

 

“All right, fine.”

 

“And I didn’t like the ‘godmother’ comment because I’m sure James and Lily think I’m the girl in the relationship anyway, which does bother me. I’m unobtrusive, but that doesn’t mean I’m submissive. Which is why I said what I said.”

 

“Yeah, thanks for that,” said Sirius, though he really didn’t mind. “C’mon, let’s go to bed, all right?”

 

“All right.”

 

“I’ll even let you be on top, even though you think I’d be a more suitable godmother than you would.”

 

Remus smiled and shook his head. “I think I’m too tired for that, but after I’ve got a full night’s sleep. The moon was only a few days ago. It took a lot out of me this time.”

 

“Okay, fine, but tomorrow morning? Before the coffee?”

 

“Before __and__ after, if you want.”

 

Sirius nodded. “Always.” He walked through the kitchen and lounge and into his bedroom. He undressed, dropping his clothes in a pile of dirty laundry in the corner. The sheets and blankets were cold when he climbed into bed and he rubbed his feet together to warm them up.

 

Remus was going through drawers, mumbling something under his breath. “You don’t have _any_ clean pajamas!”

 

“So?”

 

“So what am I supposed to sleep in? It’s cold.”

 

“Who cares? I’ve got extra body heat.” Sirius grinned at Remus and watched him undressed, his t-shirt going over his head, revealing the fine lines of scars that tattooed his chest. His body was thin and Sirius could almost make out his ribs. Once he’d taken off his clothes, Remus got into bed and moved close to Sirius, their bodies knocking together until they got comfortable.

 

With heavy eyes, Sirius began to drift off to sleep when he felt something on his shoulder. He turned his head; Remus was kissing him, sucking lightly on his skin, hard enough to leave a mark in the morning, but soft enough not to hurt.

 

“I thought you said—”

 

“That was before I realized you didn’t wear anything to bed.”

 

One of Remus’ hands traveled down Sirius’ stomach and grasped him, pumping, stroking, all very slowly. It didn’t take much time before Sirius felt his orgasm being pulled from his body and his middle gave a jump as he spilt himself over Remus’ hand and his own stomach. He lay there for two or three minutes, regrouping, coming back to his senses, and gathering strength.

 

“I think you’ve officially killed my will to think properly.”

 

Remus sniggered. “You always say things like that.”

 

“S’cause it’s true.” Sirius turned and climbed on top of Remus, who began to laugh.

 

“You’re sticky! That’s disgusting.”

 

Sirius bit Remus’ ear. “How d’you want to do it tonight?” He kissed his neck, sucking on the skin, his hands moving from Remus’ chest and shoulders and into his hair. “Hard ... slow ... rough ...? Tell me.”

 

“Nuhh,” groaned Remus as Sirius parted his legs with his knee and rubbed the lower half of his body against his.

 

“‘Nuhh’ is not an answer,” said Sirius. “D’you want me in control?” The words fell off his tongue in almost-silent whispers, but Remus must have heard him for he shook his head. “D’you want to be in control? Tell me what to do.” 

 

Sirius looked down at Remus. The other boy looked a bit nervous, his teeth worrying at his lower lip, his nostrils flared as he breathed in and out ... in an out ... in and out ... slowly and deeply.

 

“Tell me what to do,” repeated Sirius.

 

“I can’t,” whispered Remus.

 

“Why not? You did a brilliant thing tonight – saying that to James and Mrs. Potter nee Evans – so I want to ... repay you. But I’m not doing anything unless you tell me to do it.”

 

“What do I say?” asked Remus, then he shook his head. “I can’t.”

 

“Don’t look so embarrassed. Even when you’re in control, you’re not in __full__ control. I’m giving you the chance to boss me around like your slave.”

 

“Oh god.”

 

“Er – I guess ‘slave’ took things a bit too far?”

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Sorry. You say, ‘kiss me here’ or ‘touch me there.’ It’ll be fun.”

 

Remus looked incredibly skeptical. For someone who had made most of the first moves in their physical relationship, Remus was very shy. But Sirius wasn’t worried; he could eventually talk Remus into doing anything he wanted.

 

“Tell me,” said Sirius again, bending his neck to kiss Remus.

 

“No.” Remus moved his head to the side; Sirius’ lips met his jaw instead. “Move over.”

 

Sirius pulled back and looked down at Remus, his heart quickening to almost a nauseating speed as he realized that Remus was actually going to do this, actually going to take control.

 

“Where?” whispered Sirius.

 

“On your back.”

 

Sirius moved, turning over. Remus reached for one of their wands and did a cleaning charm, vanishing all the sticky stuff off Sirius’ stomach. 

 

“Don’t come.”

 

“I just did.”

 

Remus shook his head. “I mean later. Don’t come until I tell you to.”

 

Sirius nodded and swallowed, his mouth suddenly feeling dry, as though it was full of cotton. 

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

“But—”

 

“Do you want me to tell you what to do or not?”

 

Slowly, his lids lowered and all he could see was darkness. Everything suddenly felt louder, more intense. The hairs on his skin felt electric. Anticipation made his stomach tingle and nervousness, his heart pound. He jumped as a warm hand touched his thigh, working its way up to his hip. Lips came down on his chest, a tongue licking the indentation near his collar bones.

 

Remus worked slowly and Sirius had to fight himself not to open his eyes. He felt a loss, an absence, as Remus removed himself entirely from Sirius’ body. His skin was cold and he strained to hear something, anything, that would let him know that Remus was coming back. After over a minute, Sirius reached his hand down, needing to touch himself because he was so hard and—

 

“Don’t.”

 

Sirius’ hand paused, midair, as Remus spoke.

 

“Don’t open your eyes either.”

 

“Remus, I need – __guh__.”

 

A warm mouth enveloped him and Sirius gasped. His brain stopped working; coherent thought had completely abandoned him. He was there, he was going to come again, but he remembered Remus’ words – __don’t come__ – and he twisted his lower body. Remus removed his mouth and Sirius breathed in and out very quickly, feeling tortured.

 

“Good,” said Remus and Sirius could hear the smile in his voice. “Don’t come. Don’t touch yourself. Turn over.”

 

Sirius sat up and carefully turned over, unable to fully lay down because of his erection. 

 

“Don’t make noise, either,” Remus said in Sirius’ ear. He felt him mold himself over his back, Remus’ own erection rubbing against his backside. No noise? No movement? Sirius was going to explode. He was vocal, he was loud, and he was, above all, _not_ still. 

 

He gave up on the movement after he felt full of Remus and felt the movements, in and out of his body. He pushed back, helping increase the friction, but Remus pushed all the way in and stopped moving.

 

“I said, don’t.”

 

Sirius nodded and felt Remus bite down lightly on his shoulder. He loved being bitten. He loved looking in the mirror the next day after being with Remus and noting all the marks, the bites, and carrying them around underneath his clothes. It was like being branded, only he was the lone person who knew he belonged to someone else.

 

“I’ve got to touch—” said Sirius, still feeling himself on the edge of orgasm, but needing that extra touch to push him over. Remus slapped his hand. Oh, god, Remus __slapped__ him. It was just on his hand, but it was hard enough to smart. They were never terribly rough when they had sex; they weren’t into bondage or anything remotely sadistic, but the slap was the only force Remus had never really shown, the only time he took control. And Christ, it was hot.

 

“Don’t come until I tell you,” said Remus. “... try not to, anyway.”

 

Sirius nodded and bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from coming as Remus began to move inside him again, one of his hands reaching around and grasping his erection, touching him, pulling on him. Almost able to feel his brain cells popping and dying, Sirius felt as though he was going mad. 

 

With a familiar-sounding groan, Remus pushed hard into Sirius and said, “Okay, come.”

 

He hardly needed telling, and he came, biting down even harder on his cheeks to keep from crying out.

 

Remus pulled out, collapsing on his back next to Sirius on the bed. Sirius lowered grabbed his wand and cleaned the sheets before he lowered himself on the bed, turning his head so that it rested on the pillow, facing Remus.

 

“Good,” said Sirius.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“That was good. You could try for control more often. Don’t blush, Christ, it’s not a big deal.”

 

Remus glanced at Sirius. He looked shy and sheepish and Sirius pushed himself up so he could kiss him. It was a short kiss, limited amounts of tongue. When he pulled away, Sirius looked at Remus, studying his face.

 

“What?”

 

Sirius shrugged. “I.”

 

“You what?”

 

“I ... nothing. I’m tired now, too.”

 

“So go to sleep.”

 

Sirius nodded and laid back down. Remus turned over on his side and pulled the blankets up over him. With quick resolve, Sirius threw his arms around Remus and burrowed behind them. They usually didn’t do this. They hugged and caressed after having sex, but when it came time to sleep, they normally slept on their sides of the bed – which was fine because Sirius kicked and Remus tossed and turned.

 

“Are you all right?”

 

Sirius nodded against Remus’ shoulder. “Fine. I just – Remus, don’t go anywhere.”

 

“I don’t think I could with you tangled against me.”

 

“I mean never. In general. Don’t go.”

 

“All right ...”

 

“Why won’t you move in?”

 

“Oh, Padfoot, I’m not having this conversation again. Please. I’ll __think__ about it.”

 

Sirius nodded again as Remus turned in his arms to face him. Slipping one of his legs in between Sirius’, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, his hair knotting in his fingers. With mingled breath, they fell asleep.

 

XXXXXXX

 

A loud banging from somewhere outside the house woke Sirius up some time around noon. He felt hot morning breath on his side and when he opened his eyes he saw Remus curled up halfway down the bed, his mouth open with soft snores escaping. 

 

“What __is__ that?” said Remus, keeping his eyes shut. 

 

“S’too early,” yawned Sirius. “Almost noon.”

 

Remus’ eyes shot open. “ _ _Noon__? I hate it when I sleep the day away. But, really, Sirius, what’s that banging?”

 

“Dunno.”

 

“I’ll check the door,” said Remus, throwing the blankets off his body as he sat up, stretching. Sirius watched him get up, his feet shuffling against the hardwood floor, and pick up his jeans from where he’d discarded them the night before. He slipped them on, buttoning them and doing up the zipper, and opened up the bedroom door. 

 

Sirius yawned and flopped over, breathing in the smell of Remus from the other side of the bed. A familiar female voice entered through the open door. It wasn’t Lily; Sirius figured it must be one of his nosy neighbors. There was no way Remus would ever let him fall back asleep, so he got up and found a pair of pajama bottoms from the pile of dirty laundry. He sniffed them; they didn’t smell so he put them on. Remus’ t-shirt from the café was on the floor next to his socks and Sirius picked it up, knowing it was probably cleaner than any of his shirts. 

 

The voices stopped and Sirius figured whichever neighbor had come knocking had left, so he exited his room, pulling the t-shirt over his head.

 

“Hey, Moony, d’you want to go to a restaurant for breakfast? I’ve been craving that asparagus omelet and it’s my ... turn ... to choose ... Er ...” 

 

Sirius stopped dead, his voice trailing off. Remus stood by the front door, which was still opened, his expression holding anxiety and his eyes looking directly at his __mother__.

 

“Good morning, Sirius,” said Mrs. Lupin. “How are you?”

 

“... Um. Yes ... er ... Oh! Right. Hello. Fine.”

 

Sirius glanced at Remus who bit his lip and scrunched his eyebrows together, a look that said, __Oh my god, I’m sorry__.

 

“Oh, do you work at the café, too?”

 

Sirius looked down at his shirt. Oh – he was wearing Remus’ shirt. “Er. No ...”

 

“You look like you just now woke up.”

 

“Oh, we – er, I– __I__ just woke up, yes.”

 

Mrs. Lupin narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. “And, Remus, dear, did you sleep in those awful trousers all night? On the sofa without any blankets or pillows? It was very cold out last night. I’m surprised you didn’t freeze.”

 

Remus didn’t answer.

 

“This is a one-bedroom, isn’t it?”

 

When Remus still didn’t comment, Sirius replied instead, “Yeah – one bedroom. That door.”

 

“What’s behind those doors?”

 

Sirius turned around. There were two doors on the wall behind him – the toilet and the bathroom – and then on the same wall where the door to his bedroom was was a door to a tiny room, not even large enough for a bed. He told Mrs. Lupin this, his voice squeaking and cracking as though he was going through puberty again.

 

“Oh, and do you have two beds in your bedroom?”

 

“Not exactly. No. Only the one bed.”

 

Mrs. Lupin looked at Remus and Sirius felt like an intruder and he tried to leave the entryway, to go back to his room, but Mrs. Lupin reached out and took hold of his arm, stopping him.

 

“Do you boys have something to tell me? Remus?”

 

“Nothing that you haven’t figured out.”

 

Mrs. Lupin shook her head. “You could have __said__ something before now. I thought every time you went to stay in London you were sleeping on sofas or floors. I’d no idea you were – how long have you been seeing one another?”

 

“Seventh year.”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“Since we were seventh-years,” said Remus miserably. 

 

“Oh, Remus, why didn’t you tell us? All those comments – the girls from work I wanted to introduce you to. Why didn’t you say?”

 

“The girls from work would have been useless anyway.” Remus pointed to himself. “Werewolf. Girls aren’t interested in dating lycanthropes.”

 

“You still could have said.” 

 

“But I couldn’t have done! It’s an awkward conversation to have,” said Remus, “but you’re not angry? You don’t want to have me move out?”

 

“Heavens no. Why would you think such a ...? Remus, no. We love you too much for that!” Mrs. Lupin shook her head. “Since seventh year! Good gracious. So you’re a proper couple, then?”

 

Remus looked at Sirius and nodded. Looking back at his mother he said, “It would be safe to say that, yes.”

 

“Oh, good, then I’ve an excuse not to cook.”

 

“Uh ... pardon?” said Sirius, very confused.

 

“Christmas dinner,” replied Mrs. Lupin. “If you’re a proper couple you can make dinner yourselves, can’t you? And serve John and me dinner? This is how to properly do these things, to introduce your beau over dinner, to do things to make us approve of the relationship.”

 

“Mother, don’t be ridiculous,” said Remus, sounding slightly hysterical. “You know Sirius. You first met him when we were fifteen. You obviously know where his house is—”

 

“You included the address the first time you sent an owl to tell me you weren’t coming home, in case of emergency. This is an emergency so I Apparated over.”

 

“That’s fine,” said Remus, “but why do we need to—”

 

“Your father needs to be told.”

 

“Not over – at Christmas dinner? Mother, you cannot be serious – you’re – please no.”

 

“I’m perfectly serious. I expect either turkey or lamb. No duck, no chicken. Potatoes are optional, but the pudding has to be up to par because your father is very particular about his puddings.”

 

“Oh god,” said Sirius. “You’re – but I don’t – do I even __have__ an oven?’ He looked at Remus for help, but the other boy looked shell-shocked and on the verge of a heart attack.

 

“Be home in time to pack a bag, sweetheart,” said Mrs. Lupin, patting Remus’ cheek. “We’re leaving for the train station in thirty minutes.”

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Have a good day, Sirius.” With that, Mrs. Lupin Disapparated.

 

“I think I’m going to have a breakdown,” said Remus, sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor. “Did she really just – I can’t even think – this is – Christmas dinner? What is she thinking?”

 

“Obviously she’s been smoking elfish bark,” said Sirius, sitting down next to Remus. “You can’t even speak properly, what’d she do to you?”

 

“You can’t even cook. I certainly don’t make anything – turkey? Lamb? What if she wants – oh, we can’t make the potatoes she likes – secret family recipe that I’m not allowed to – if we screw something up – I haven’t any idea how to – and then __cleaning__ – you don’t know cleaning spells. Look at this house – household spells – I gave you that book, but you never – if something goes wrong – have you ever opened the icebox? The oven is ancient and it’s not as though – I mean, are there – you don’t have a proper dining table either.”

 

“Remus, my god, stop talking!”

 

“Lily!”

 

“ _ _What__?”

 

“Maybe she can help us cook. She can come over and bring that – whatsisname—?”

 

“Uh, you mean, __James__?”

 

“Yeah, James. Maybe that can join us because, otherwise, you know – disaster and burnt chicken.”

 

“Your mother said no chicken.”

 

“No chicken. Of course not. What of duck?”

 

“She said no duck.”

 

Remus nodded. “Right.”

 

“Why did she come over? Your mother, I mean.”

 

“Death.”

 

“Oh, well, that clears everything up.”

 

“Dad’s mum – the grim and whatnot. Scotland. Oh, train. Thirty minutes. I need to – and then we can – later, I’ll come back.”

 

Remus made to get up, but Sirius gripped his shoulders and pushed him back down. “Hey, calm down, yeah?” He kissed him, his lips hovering for a couple moments as he pulled away, breathing in the breath Remus exhaled. “It’ll be all right. How long will you be in Scotland?”

 

“I don’t know. Dad wants to travel the Muggle way since he’s, y’know ... Muggle.”

 

“You can Apparate here, can’t you? Tell everyone you’re taking the train and then not? Not take the train?”

 

Remus shrugged. “We’ll see.” He turned his head and looked right at Sirius. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “My grandmother – a bit – she was nice.”

 

“It’s okay. Owl me from Scotland, all right? Let me know how things go. I can Apparate there if you need me to. Into Hogsmeade or—”

 

“I’ll let you know. Thanks. Sirius ... I ...”

 

“What?”

 

Remus shook his head. “Nothing. I need to go.” 

 

“Wait! Just think about today, all right? Don’t worry so much about Christmas just yet. Go be with your family and go do whatever it is families do when they get together.”

 

This time Sirius didn’t try to stop him when Remus stood and he watched him Disapparate.

 

XXXXXXX

 

After a shower and a shave, Sirius got dressed and Apparated into the fenced-in back garden of James and Lily’s house. He knocked on their back door, shivering from the cold. It had snowed last night and a thick sheet of powder covered everything, weighing down tree branches, and shining brightly where it reflected the sun.

 

Lily opened the door wearing a thick wool jumper and jeans. Her feet were covered by mismatched socks, one red and one green.

 

“Morning,” said Sirius. 

 

“You mean afternoon.”

 

Sirius shrugged. “Sure. Can James come out to play?”

 

Lily snorted. “He’s been a bad boy, so he’s not allowed to play in the snow today.”

 

“I see. Well, you’re a shit mum, Mrs. Potter.”

 

“That kind of language will get you banned from my house, young man.”

 

“It’s kind of hot when you get all authoritarian on me.”

 

Lily laughed. “Would you like to come in or do you actually want James to come out and play? He’s listening to the wireless; there’s a broadcast of the Puddlemere game.”

 

“I’ll come in,” said Sirius, stepping through the doorway and Lily moved aside. She closed the door. “But ... I kind of need to talk to you.”

 

“Me? Don’t tell James. He’ll get jealous.”

 

Sirius looked around the small kitchen. There wasn’t a table or anything so he perched himself up on the counter, his legs swinging back and forth, banging against the cupboards underneath. 

 

“All right. So. Remus’ mum came by the house about an hour ago.”

 

Lily’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah. She was fine. She was __fine__ with ...”

 

“You being Remus’ boyfriend?” offered Lily.

 

“Um. Yes. Is that what I’m called? A boyfriend? That sounds so fucked up.”

 

Lily smiled. “Remus did say last night—”

 

“I know what he said,” interrupted Sirius. “Though, okay, fine, it’s true. It doesn’t matter. His mother knows.”

 

“That’s good, though!”

 

“She wants us to tell Remus’ dad over dinner.”

 

“Oh, well, if Mrs. Lupin had such a good reaction then—”

 

“ _ _Christmas__ dinner.”

 

“But it’s still just a dinner—”

 

“At __my__ house.”

 

“Er ... you’ll have to clean of course, but there’s no reason why Mr. Lupin shouldn’t like—”

 

“With __us__ cooking.”

 

“... You’re doomed,” said Lily.

 

“You have to help us. You know how to cook.”

 

Lily scoffed and shook her head. “I’m not a maid.”

 

“I’ll pay you.”

 

Lily shook her head again. “We’re having Christmas dinner here.”

 

Sirius jumped down and placed his hands on Lily’s shoulders. “Listen to me. If Remus’ dad doesn’t, if he has a fit or if he thinks I’ve perverted his son ... this is important. Rather very important, actually.”

 

“I’ll __help__ ,” said Lily. “But only because it’s important.”

 

“Thank you. I love you. You’ve no idea how fucking elated I am that you married James right now. You and him have to come to dinner.”

 

Lily nodded. “All right. We will. It’ll be fine and if Remus’ dad starts to disapprove, we’ll help talk you guys up, help make him see that you’re still the same people.”

 

“Don’t let James help us. He never says the right thing.”

 

Lily shook her head. “I’d never dream of it.”

 

Sirius hugged Lily. “Thank you.” He pushed her away. “Er, I never did that, if anyone ever asks.”

 

“Did what?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Lily smiled. “You must love Remus loads if you’re willing to come to __me__ for help.”

 

“Er ...” Sirius swallowed. He’d never said that to Remus before, that weird four-letter L-word. “I want him to move in, but he doesn’t want to. Now that his mum knows, perhaps he’ll change his mind. Telling his parents really held him back.”

 

“He’s a very private person.”

 

“I know. He was convinced you and James didn’t know and he didn’t want to tell you.”

 

“What changed his mind last night?” asked Lily.

 

“Dunno.”

 

“We __did__ know. You were so very, very obvious at Hogwarts. You toned everything down after we left school, but there was no denying it, really. Your excuse that you couldn’t find a date to the wedding? That was the silliest thing I’d ever heard.”

 

“I know. Believe me, I wasn’t under delusions that you and James thought I was having sex with girls at my house. Say, Lily, are you really going to name me godfather?”

 

She smiled again and nodded. “If you promise not to teach him how to hex his teachers at Hogwarts I will. Don’t tell James, though. I’m trying to make him think that he has to wear me down to agree, but I thought you would be a perfect choice all along.”

 

“Perfect? Really? Why?”

 

“You’re James’ best mate, firstly. You would be very fun to be around, lots of energy, but you’re still responsible and you wouldn’t levitate the baby and leave him up on the ceiling all day either. And you’ll never have any kids of your own so this a right good chance for you.”

 

Sirius was rendered silent at those words. __Never have any kids__. He’d never thought of it before, but it was true. He would never have a girlfriend, let alone a wife to bear his children. Unless Regulus stopped being a total git, the Black family name would end with him. Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa were already married and taken on their husbands’ names. There were no more Blacks.

 

“I’m sorry,” said Lily. “I didn’t mean to say ...”

 

“No, it’s true. I won’t have any ... I never realized, I guess. It’s all right. You can’t have everything.”

 

“Remus can’t either. Werewolf legislation – they’re not allowed to marry or have children.”

 

“That’s bullshit.”

 

Lily shrugged. “That’s the way the Ministry is. Look, I told James I would make sandwiches for lunch. You’re welcome to stay, but I need to eat since there’s a second person inside me.”

 

Sirius shook his head. “I’m not really hungry.”

 

“I’ll come ‘round your house on Christmas Eve. We’ll go to the store and buy everything we need to make dinner and then Christmas morning we’ll cook everything. How does that sound?”

 

“Good, great. Thanks, Lily.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Hey, Mrs. Potter?”

 

“Yes, Mr. Black?”

 

“What’d you say to Remus at the cinema last night?”

 

Lily smiled. “He can tell you if he wants to. I’ll see you soon.”

 

Sirius tried to give her a smile, but he couldn’t manage. He turned and left. In the back garden, his feet sunk into the snow, up over the top of his shoes. His feet and ankles grew cold since he refused to ever put on any socks. The wind was laced with the sounds and smells of Christmas. Sirius decided to walk a ways instead of Apparate straight to his house. Opening up the gate to the front garden, he walked through the snow, kicking it up as he went, his head full of thoughts of food, cooking, and impending disasters.

 

XXXXXXX

 

****End Part II** **

 

XXXXXXX


	3. Planning for Tomorrow

XXXXXXX

 

****Part III: Planning for Tomorrow** **

 

XXXXXXX

 

Sirius only received two owls from Remus while he was gone to Scotland. One whole week, seven days. The first owl was short – 

>   
>  __Padfoot,_ _
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> __I’m here in_ _Scotland_ _, though it took us forever to travel (my dad insists on doing everything the Muggle way and he’s really nervous that someone is going to see me “playing with owls”). Can you go to my work and explain why I have to take the rest of the week off? If there’s a problem, perhaps you can take over my shifts? You know how to count Muggle money. I taught you all about pounds and that sort of thing, so I hope you remember._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __-Remus_ _

The second owl was much longer and Sirius was rather embarrassed about how many times he actually read it. In the end, after reading it for the fifteenth or sixteenth time, he set it on fire with his Muggle lighter and watched it turn to ash.

>   
>  __Padfoot,_ _
> 
>  
> 
> __
> 
> __I think you’re the only person who would understand this: my entire family has done nothing but cry and commiserate with one another, but I’ve done nothing except watch them. It’s sort of like back in first year, before we became friends, when you and James would ask me to sit with you in the Great Hall during meals and ask me to join in a game of Exploding Snap, but we weren’t friends until after Christmas. I watched you lot, but never really spoke unless asked a question. That’s how things are here. I’m watching everyone and not participating and I keep thinking how I’d rather be at home. Or at your home at any rate._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __Perhaps I really should be the godmother of Lily and James’ baby if I’m going to sit here and write you long letters. I think only girls write long letters. Or people having forbidden love affairs, who cannot talk in public for fear of being found out._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __Wow – I read too much Muggle literature. Too much Muggle “shit” as you would say. ~~Somehow I feel~~ Never mind. It’s probably better not to write that. All right, fine, since you’re going to ask me about it when I get back, I’ll write it anyway. Somehow I feel closer to you writing this stupid letter. I don’t know why and Christ, stop laughing at me, please, because I know you are. It’s probably because it’s been six days since I last saw you and the amount that I miss you is a lot and to a really astronomically pathetic degree. I can’t help it. You think I’m pathetic, don’t deny it._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __Burn this after you read it, will you?_ _
> 
> __
> 
> __My grandmother was Muggle, so I didn’t see her for a while. When I was first bitten ~~by Gr~~ I didn’t go up to _ _Scotland_ _to see her because my parents said I was scared of everything. It took them over a year to get me to leave the house and the front garden. Then, I became somewhat more normal, but we never visited. She sent me Christmas presents each year and a birthday present in April, even though my real birthday is in March. My father convinced her to come to our house the summer after second year. I was thirteen and already had that scar across my face (the one that goes right over the bridge of my nose) and she never believed me when I told her I fell face first into a tree. I saw her the summer after that and made the mistake of bumping into her after I got out of the shower (I was wearing jeans, but had forgot my t-shirt in my room) and she saw the original bite mark on my shoulder and the claw marks I’d made on myself during transformations. She was positive I was disturbed and she refused to ever come around again._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __She sent me letters via Muggle post. At first they were telling me how I should try to go to church and pray. I never told you or James or Peter about it, mainly because I knew you would try to convince me to send her a curse through a letter, but I did write her back and after a few exchanges, I think she accepted my explanations that I wasn’t demonic or disturbed, simply very mischievous with rotten friends who tried to make me break rules, which mainly including sneaking out through a patch of thorny bushes to leave school grounds._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __She never would have believed me about secret passageways and portraits who guarded doorways._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __I miss her letters. Mum and Dad would never understand. Dad especially because he refuses to talk about lycanthropy and Mum frets and worries whenever I bring it up. So I’m telling you about why I’ll miss her because, really, you understand me better than anyone, I should think._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __I excused myself to use the loo so I could come up here to the room I’m staying in at my uncle’s house and write you. My family must think that my stomach has exploded by now. My mum said to tell you she’s very sorry if she embarrassed you, but not to worry because she trusts my judgment. I’m not so sure my judgment is all that reliable – I mean, I’m ~~in~~ with you, for Merlin’s sake! (This is where I wink and smile so you know I’m only joking.)_ _
> 
> __
> 
> __I need to stop writing now. Make me stop writing, Sirius. Why the hell is my pencil still on this paper? I couldn’t find a quill in this Muggle desk. Okay, I’m stopping. This time away from you has been good in one way because it’s given me loads of time to think over things. I’ve been weighing the options of moving in versus not moving in. I’m still voting on the Not Moving In bit, but this missing you problem I’ve been having has really helped your case. So I’m still not moving in, but I’m more keen on the idea and more willing to give it extra thought. Because really, I miss you. Shit. See? You make me write bad words. I’ve got to go._ _
> 
> __
> 
> __-Remus_ _
> 
> __
> 
> __P.S. I did have a dream about you last night. Remind me to tell you about it because this is one thing I will not put in writing._ _

It was the parts about missing him that Sirius kept reading. He knew he loved Remus, even though he never said it, and he knew Remus loved him back, even though he, too, kept quiet about it. But to read the words “I miss you” felt good. Felt more than good. And the bit about the dream – it really made Sirius want Remus back in London and back in London _  
_now_  
_.

 

 

It was a Monday afternoon when he finally did see Remus, although it was only when the other boy Apparated into his back garden to walk to work. Sirius immediately pounced, pining him to the outside wall of his house, pressing his mouth against his and fisting his jacket in his hands. They’d never gone this long without seeing each other since they got together and feeling Remus against him sent waves of electricity through his body. 

 

“Hi,” he said, pulling away from Remus.

 

“Afternoon. Did you miss me?”

 

“Mmm. A bit.” Sirius inhaled Remus’ scent. “I burnt your letter.”

 

“Good.”

 

Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”

 

The letter had been very welcomed because Remus would never say those things to him in person. He would get far too embarrassed if he had to admit that he missed Sirius while he was away.

 

“Tell me about the dream you had?”

 

“ _ _Ahem__.”

 

Sirius pulled further away from Remus and looked over; in his back garden, James had Apparated. Remus pushed Sirius completely away and cleared his throat.

 

“Didn’t know you were coming,” said Sirius, looking at James.

 

“Yeah. ‘T’was an impulse, but I can—”

 

“You don’t have to leave,” said Remus. “I’m about ready to go to work in another few minutes.” He leaned his back against the outside wall, looking very embarrassed, his cheeks very pink. Sirius stood next to him, hearing the way his coat scratched against the rough brick as he propped himself against the wall, and nudged him with his elbow. When Remus glanced over, Sirius winked and smiled. He pulled out a pack of Muggle cigarettes from his coat pocket.

 

Offering one to James, Sirius handed the other cigarette in his hand to Remus, who lit it with his wand and gave it back.

 

“How d’you s’pose the founders made the Room of Distraction?” asked Sirius offhandedly.

 

“The what?” asked James, inhaling and then flicking his finger against the cigarette, sending the ash falling to the ground, only to get melted into the snow that covered it.

 

“That room from Hogwarts that was full of shiny things and books and socks,” replied Sirius.

 

“I always thought that room was a broom cupboard,” said James. “Least that’s what it was whenever I opened the door.”

 

“You were always running from a professor, though, weren’t you?” said Remus. Sirius noticed that he wasn’t quite meeting James’ eye; Remus was so very embarrassed, the poor sod.

 

“I guess.”

 

“Perhaps it’s more the Room of Needs.”

 

“Needs?” repeated Sirius.

 

Remus shrugged. “James needed a place to hide so it was a broom cupboard. You needed a place to distract you, so you got a room full of shiny things.”

 

“And socks. Why would there be socks in a room that’s supposed to distract me?”

 

“If it’s a room that provides you with what you need, then it makes sense. You’re in desperate need of socks. Are you wearing any now?”

 

“Of course not. I hate socks.”

 

“So, there you have it. You truly own an awful lack of socks. You __need__ socks or else one day your feet are going to get frostbitten.”

 

“My feet’ll be fine. Seriously, though, I want to know how to make a room change size and shape and fill up with useless crap to amuse me.”

 

“You need to get yourself a job,” said James.

 

Sirius took a drag on his cigarette, letting the smoke from the end curl up in the air. When he exhaled, his breath was gray, a mixture of smoke and breath against the cold. He looked at Remus and grinned. His eyes darted to James who was watching them as though they were something to be studied.

 

“I’ve got to get to work,” said Remus, tightening his scarf around his neck. When he met Sirius’ eyes, his appeared nervous and sad. Looking right at Remus, Sirius said, “James – turn around.”

 

“Wha—?”

 

“Turn around.”

 

Grumbling, James faced away from the house, his back to Sirius and Remus.

 

“Are you coming back here tonight?” asked Sirius very quietly.

 

“I don’t know ... Aren’t you going to pop in at work when my shift ends?”

 

Sirius nodded.

 

“All right, we’ll talk about it then.” A little louder, Remus said, “Bye, James.”

 

With his back still turned, James gave Remus a wave goodbye. 

 

Sirius took Remus’ hand to stop him from leaving just yet. He kissed his mouth quickly and soundlessly and let Remus walk away.

 

“You can turn around now,” Remus called out before disappearing around the corner of the house.

 

Sirius grinned at James as the other black haired boy turned around, his cigarette almost completely smoked. James looked tired, dark circles under his eyes and his coat buttons were put through the wrong holes. Consumed with Remus before, Sirius just now noticed this about his best mate.

 

“Did your wife finally kick you out of the house?”

 

James shook his head. “No,” he replied, letting out a long breath of smoke. “She’s at St. Mungo’s now – Healer things, doing her job. I just got back from Surrey.”

 

Sirius pulled a face. “Why? Oh, shit, you didn’t go see Horse-Face and the Man with the Breadth of a Thousand Hippogriffs, did you?”

 

James blinked. “D’you just sit around your house thinking these things up?”

 

“No, they just came to me. But, really, Prongs, you got to admit, the man’s fucking __huge__.”

 

“He’s fat, yes, but Lily’s not supposed to know you’ve seen him before.”

 

Sirius waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah. So why were you in Surrey?”

 

“Suspected Death Eater activity. The Ministry is doing a lot, surprisingly, but there isn’t the wizardpower to go after every report of activity. Simply not enough men. I’ve been awake for nearly two full days.”

 

Sirius dropped his cigarette on the snow and took out his wand to Vanish it.

 

“Remus knows we already knew, doesn’t he?” blurted James, looking slightly embarrassed that he even asked the question.

 

He took his eyes away from James and looked up at the sky. It was gray and Sirius sniffed, trying to decide if it smelled like it was going to snow or not – it was hard to tell with snow already covering the ground.

 

“Dunno. He likes to live in denial.”

 

“That’s not annoying?”

 

“He’s not in denial with __me__. Just with the rest of the world. Still fancies girls, he says. What a load of rubbish.” 

 

“Interesting. So he doesn’t know that Lily and I __both__ ’ve talked to you before about him. About relationship stuff with you and him?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “He didn’t want anyone to have ... confirmation that we were together. Questions, sniggering, comments of ‘oh my aren’t they cute together’ and so on.” He looked back at James. “Did it bother you that I’ve been lying for two years?”

 

“You never denied being Remus’ boyfriend – which sounds ... __weird__ to say.”

 

“Mmm. Boyfriend. That’s not a word we say very often.”

 

“Though I knew what was going on. But Christ, I was the first one to notice, wasn’t I? That you and Remus were being weird. Kidnapped you to take you to Hogsmeade just so I could talk to you about it. But otherwise I didn’t ask. You don’t ask about Lily so I didn’t think I should ask about Remus. So. No. Not bothered by being lied to. ‘Cause I knew what was going on and you knew I knew.”

 

Sirius was slightly taken aback. Was he __supposed__ to ask about Lily? It was all very confusing. “Er ... well, you always just come to me when you want to talk about Lily.”

 

“I usually don’t __talk__ about her. I usually complain about the mad things she does.”

 

Sirius nodded. “Right, right. We’re not a pair of girls. No reason to talk about feelings and fluttering hearts.”

 

“Does your heart __flutter__? Merlin, you really are bent, aren’t you?”

 

“If you’re going to be an arse, you can go home.”

 

“You’d like for me to be an arse, wouldn’t you? Or, no ... I suppose if you’re the girl of the relationship then—”

 

“Don’t make me punch you, you giant sod.”

 

James held up his hands in defeat. “All right, all right.” He flicked his cigarette away and looked at Sirius, his eyes very grave. “You and Remus are ... good, though ... right?”

 

“Er, yeah.”

 

“You’re my best mate so I automatically take your side. You can complain about him, if you want to.”

 

“There’s nothing to complain about,” said Sirius with a shrug. “Wouldn’t that be weird? I mean, to talk about __my__ relationship?”

 

“I don’t want to know the details. About ... tops and bottoms or whatever Remus said when we all met up at the cinema.” James shook his head. “No, but anything else.”

 

“I suppose Lily told you about Christmas dinner?”

 

“Yeah. My mum’s still in St. Mungo’s so I’m going to spend the morning with her and then come here for dinner. Aren’t you feeling like total arse about meeting Remus’ dad?”

 

“I’ve met his parents before.”

 

“God, when I met Lily’s parents for the first time I practically shat myself.”

 

“That’s because you’re an idiot,” laughed Sirius. “Parents aren’t so bad. It’s cold. Let’s go in.” He opened his back door and walked inside, shedding his coat and throwing it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. “What’s the worst they could do?” he asked as James shut the door. “If his dad disapproves, then he can go to hell.”

 

“That’s the right attitude, I’m sure,” chortled James. He sat down at the table and brushed a finger across the blemished surface. “Did you carve this?” 

 

Sirius looked down at James’ hand where one of his fingers was pointing at the crudely carved REMUS. 

 

“Er. Yeah.”

 

James sat back in the chair and shook his head. “Wow.”

 

“Wow what? Stop looking at me like that. It’s frightening!”

 

“I suppose I thought that this whole thing was just ... y’know ... sessorsumping.”

 

“ _ _What_?_ ” Sirius got up and went to the icebox. He pulled out a bottle of Muggle beer and handed it to James. After taking one for himself, Sirius closed the icebox and leaned against it, not too sure about sitting down with James yet. 

 

“Sex,” said James slowly, “or something. I suppose I should’ve known it wasn’t just the ... sex ... stuff ... but it’s __mad__ to think of you in a __relationship__. ‘Sirius’ and ‘perpetual bachelor’ seem to fit together better than ‘Sirius’ and ‘wizard with a boyfriend.’”

 

“You’ve thought of me and Remus having sex?” asked Sirius, his lips growing into a grin. “Kinky.”

 

“This isn’t funny,” said James, touching the REMUS again. Suddenly he jumped back and withdrew his hand as though the table had just burned his skin. “You two haven’t had sex on this fucking table, have you?”

 

“It’s not a fucking table, James. It’s a kitchen table. Basic vocabulary seems to be lost on you these days. ‘Pluralization’, I ask you!”

 

“STOP!” shouted James. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you and you make it goddamn impossible!”

 

“You’re the one who brought up fucking tables! Calm down!” Sirius shouted back. “No, we haven’t had sex on the table. Though that’s a rather smashing idea, now that you’ve mentioned it. If you want a serious conversation, you’re at the right place because my birth name just happens to __be__ Sirius.”

 

“How does Remus stand it? He’s so serious and you’re so ... stupid.”

 

“Christ, what’s your problem? This hostility isn’t from lack of sleep.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You’re not fine. You’re an arse. Either tell me what’s wrong with you or—”

 

“Your brother was there. In Surrey.”

 

Sirius dropped his beer; it fell onto the green tile floor with a crash, sharp pieces of brown glass scattered throughout a small pool of alcohol. 

 

“When – when were you going to tell me?”

 

“I dunno,” answered James quietly. “I wasn’t sure I would, because you know how you are. You’d get all heroic and try to find Regs and then get yourself killed by Death Eaters and then Remus would be stuck in this house all alone.”

 

“Remus doesn’t live here,” said Sirius. “And don’t call him Regs. I haven’t called him that since my age was still in the single digits.”

 

“I know Remus doesn’t live here. Don’t go after Regulus, all right? He’s not worth it. Besides, he Disapparated with the rest of the lot. Didn’t see me, thank Merlin. I was hiding.”

 

“It’s not for lack of trying, I’ll tell you that much. And I’m not going to try an’ find my brother. He’ll get himself killed. Voldemort doesn’t give two shits about him.”

 

“What’s not for lack of trying?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You said—”

 

“Oh.” Sirius pulled his wand out of his back pocket and pointed it at the broken bottle. He Vanished the entire mess. Going to the table and slumping back down in his chair, Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Remus doesn’t want to live here. Refuses, actually. Something about parents and getting sick of me.”

 

“I don’t think he’ll get sick of you.” 

 

“Or afraid I’ll get sick of him.”

 

“Hmm,” hummed James, wrapping his mouth around the beer bottle and throwing it back, drinking most of it in one large gulp. “Lily insisted we buy a two-bedroom house.”

 

“Good on you, mate. But I know this. You’ve lived in that house since you were married.”

 

“Oof – excuse me,” said James as he let out a large burp. “The second bedroom is called the Muggle Room – or I call it the Muggle Room at any rate. It’s got a telephone and a television in it so Lily can talk to her parents and so when her dad comes over they can watch football. Her mum’s not really accepting of things at the moment. Doesn’t want to break up the family and so on and so forth – since, y’know, they can’t exactly __tell__ people she’s a witch and Petunia is a sodding bitch.”

 

“God, if you find a point in there, __please__ tell me.”

 

“Shut up, Christ, you’re so goddamn annoying.”

 

“S’why you love me.”

 

“Probably. Anyway – when we get hacked off at one another, we have a room to escape to. A room where we can calm down and stop being angry. You know. To give ourselves some breathing room.”

 

“Ohh,” said Sirius. “Oh. That’s a – well, actually that’s a rather brilliant idea. I do suppose everyone needs breathing room. Especially you and Potter nee Evans—”

 

“Call her Lily, will you?”

 

“—the way you two fight. She’s got that famous redhead’s temper.”

 

James laughed and nodded. “She does. Yes. D’you really want Remus to move in?”

 

Sirius shrugged.

 

“Have you ever cheated on him?”

 

Sirius heart skipped three beats. “What?”

 

“You heard me.”

 

“You think I would? I think I’m actually rather hacked off at you now.” Sirius felt his eyebrows knit together in anger and confusion. Cheat on Remus? The thought was repulsive and so farfetched that Sirius couldn’t even fathom it.

 

“I don’t know. You’ve never done it before. You’ve never __not__ cheated, I mean.”

 

“Well, before I was snot-nosed teenager. That was rather a long time ago, when there were girls.”

 

“And now there’re no girls?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “No. Only, y’know, Remus. What does cheating on him having to do with him moving in?”

 

“Simply trying to assess the situation.”

 

“Are you smoking elfish bark again?”

 

“No,” said James, a sad tone to his voice, “Lily says no more since the baby is coming. Have to become responsible. Which is rubbish. A right load of rubbish. Oh, but assessing the situation? Before Lily and I got married, I wanted her to move in with me. She refused so somehow I think that led to us getting married instead. Doesn’t matter. Neither here nor there. __But__ my point is, if I hadn’t loved her I wouldn’t have wanted to live with her. So do you?”

 

“Do I what?”

 

“Y’know. Soppy girl emotion stuff – d’you love Remus?”

 

“Go home, Prongs.”

 

“Sometimes I forget we’re men and therefore not allowed to have this type of conversation. Though I thought perhaps since you’re bent that there might be an exception.”

 

Sirius shook his head. “No, this is not an exception.”

 

“Too bad.”

 

“James – back to Regulus for a mo’ ... How did you know there’d be Death Eaters in Surrey? And you’re __sure__ it was him? Absolutely without a doubt positive?”

 

“Sirius Arcturus Black, I’m sure!”

 

“Ahh! Not the middle name!”

 

James smiled. “Thanks for the drink. I need to probably get home before Lily does. I’ll see you on Christmas.”

 

“Right. Bye.” 

 

XXXXXXX

 

When Sirius showed up at the café, all the tables were cleaned, all the chairs put up on top of them and the floor sparkling from where Remus mopped. But while Remus counted money, he was talking to Dahlia. Sirius walked over to them and jumped on the counter, sitting on top of it and smiling at the black haired girl.

 

“Hello. I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again.”

 

Dahlia shrugged. “I felt rather foolish and thought I’d apologize to Remus. Besides, in school we always read books that he’s already read and helps me with my essays. He’s really clever.”

 

“I’m standing right here,” said Remus.

 

“He also explained everything to me.”

 

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Oh? Everything? What does ‘everything’ entail?”

 

Dahlia shrugged and pulled on her blue jumper. “Um, how you two have been a couple since you were seventeen, how he’s gay, how you’re gay, and how since he doesn’t look at girls he doesn’t realize that any of them look at him. So any leading-on that I might have thought was going on was simply my mind just looking for something that wasn’t there.” Dahlia smiled. “But! I don’t really mind. My parents aren’t exactly helpful with school and I really do need drastic help with literature.”

 

“Well. That _is_ everything, then, isn’t it?” Sirius looked at Remus, cocking up an eyebrow to say, __Gay? You?_ _

 

Remus wet his lips and rotated his neck: __For her, I’m completely queer_. _

 

Sirius nodded. “Really, Daria—”

 

“Dahlia.”

 

“Whatever – Remus really wouldn’t lead anyone on. I don’t think he knows how.”

 

“I’m still standing right here, thank you.”

 

“Dahlia, I don’t mean to be rude—”

 

“Of course you do,” muttered Remus.

 

“—but there’s a very pressing matter I have to discuss with Remus.”

 

Dahlia blinked and gave Sirius a confused look. “What’s pressing?”

 

“My brother,” answered Sirius, but turning and looking at Remus. “James saw him with Lucius.”

 

Remus nearly dropped the mug he was hanging up in the rack above him. “That __is__ pressing. I’m sorry, Dahlia, but Lucius is into a lot of illegal activity and ...”

 

“Drugs,” supplied Sirius, “and the like. We’ve been trying to rescue my brother for ages.”

 

“He’s younger and naïve,” said Remus with a sigh. “I’m all done here. I have to lock up and go.”

 

“James said we could go to his house and he’d tell us everything he saw.”

 

Remus nodded. “Right, then. Let’s go.”

 

XXXXXXX

 

They went to James’ house and Remus listened as the bespectacled boy told him about going to Surrey and how different Order members were tailing Lucius Malfoy, trying to track down Voldemort through him. Peter came, as plump as always, and listened and offered in his two Knuts, though his opinions were complete crap, according to Sirius.

 

It was nice; it was almost like being back at Hogwarts and sitting around illegally drinking Firewhisky. Sirius knew that Remus suspected something was off with him by the looks he continually shot him and it was true: Sirius wasn’t feeling particularly sociable, not with knowing his brother was into this Death Eater business. He knew before, but no one had ever actually __caught__ him before so it was all speculation. Until now.

 

Remus made up a rather brilliant excuse about having plans with people from work and that he and Sirius had to go meet up with their other friends at the cinema. They both Disapparated and reappeared in Sirius’ back garden. Remus went into the house without speaking and pulled opened the icebox, getting out two Muggle beers. He handed one to Sirius who took it and watched as Remus undid Sirius’ coat and took it off before reaching into the pocket and taking out the cigarettes. He lit one and handed it to Sirius.

 

“Thanks ...”

 

Remus nodded and took off his own coat, draping it over the table and walking into the living area to sit on the sofa.

 

“You hate it when I smoke inside,” said Sirius, sitting on the sofa near Remus.

 

“It’s all right. It’s not my house to make the rules.”

 

“It could be. I wish it was.”

 

“Oh, Sirius. I want to – I __want__ to move in, but the idea makes me nervous. What happens when we argue and need space away from one another? We won’t have that. We don’t have anywhere to go to get away. So what happens if we have a monumental fight? I’d have to go home with my parents and you’d get to stay in the house. It would always feel like your house.”

 

“So let’s look for a new one.”

 

“I can’t afford to look for a new house. I haven’t much money. The owner did ask if I wanted to pick up two more shifts, which would put me working there fulltime. I told him I probably would, though my blasted dying aunt calls for me when she thinks she’s finally on her death bed, which happens to be once a month.”

 

Sirius snorted. “He bought that excuse?”

 

Remus nodded. “It’ll be hard. I’m considering telling him I can work four days, but not five. Five would be too difficult with the full moon.” Remus paused. “Sirius ... are you all right?”

 

“Just m’brother. We’re ... well ... we’re __brothers__ and he’s a complete jerk-off. We should be fighting on the same side. Not this ridiculous, like, Death Eaters versus the World shit. We’re more alike than people think, y’know? We both want to be ... liked – loved – but he wants it by the wrong people.”

 

Remus shifted on the cushion he was sitting on so that he now faced Sirius. He felt vulnerable underneath Remus’ gaze. They could always talk about anything, but somehow talking about how he felt regarding Regulus made him feel more open than he’d ever felt before, more naked than even when he was without a stitch of clothing on.

 

“We should be on the same goddamn side!” cried Sirius, the words bursting from somewhere inside him, as though he had no control over himself. “I hope all the Death Eaters __die__ , Remus. I’ve been hoping that for years and now I __know__ Regulus is one of them. I can’t want him to die or – or – or get arrested. Sent to Azkaban. He’s my blood. That’s supposed to fucking __mean__ something. What if there’s another fight? Like the one where Fenwick was killed? Where only __bits__ of him were found. __Pieces__. What if I find pieces of my brother? Goddamn it! This is so fucked-up!”

 

Sirius put the bottle of beer to his lips and drank from it, gulping it all down. He dropped the empty bottle onto the rug; it hit with a muted clatter as it rolled underneath the sofa. With a shaky hand, he put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled, feeling the smoke circle around in his lungs before he exhaled, up towards the ceiling. He blew a smoke ring and watched it rise and widen until it disappeared.

 

“Are you afraid of finding out about your brother the way you found out about your father?”

 

Sirius laughed, though it was a bit hysterical-sounding. Orion Black, Sirius’ father, wasn’t a part of the Death Eaters. He probably would have, had he not been mad, but his political views were known and he often gave public speeches that bordered on psychotic tirades. Because everyone knew his position on Muggles, Muggle-borns, and half-breeds, the Voldemort and his followers didn’t want him, afraid he’d draw too much attention. 

 

He died earlier in the year; the reasons were unknown to Sirius. However, he hadn’t known that his father was buried in the Black cemetery until six months later when an owl from his mother caught up with him, berating him for not showing up at his father’s funeral. The death hadn’t bothered him as much as the not knowing. Being kept in the dark as though he was truly not even a member of the Black family. He didn’t __want__ to be part of them and he had been disowned and ran away – but the past was inescapable, not matter how much Sirius wished he could completely break free from it.

 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, pressing his palms against his eyes, swallowing against a hard lump in the middle of his throat. “Why do I care? I shouldn’t. The lot of them can rot in Hell.”

 

“Sirius, it’s all right. You’re not crying, are you?”

 

Sirius shook his head. Remus had only ever seen one tear fall from his eyes before. He was too strong to cry. Or perhaps so weak he couldn’t let himself go. Either way, he didn’t cry and wasn’t planning on starting tonight. 

 

“I wanted to change him,” whispered Sirius. “My brother, I mean. None of them ever loved me or ever wanted me. My parents hated me, my grandparents – but he – Regs – was the only one I thought maybe would listen to me. Maybe, might not hate me.”

 

“Sirius ...”

 

He groaned in frustration and looked at the boy on the sofa with him. “Remus, there’s something I need to tell you.”

 

“All right. What is it?”

 

Sirius hesitated. “Um.” He swallowed his bravery and lost it. “Lily said you could tell me what it was she said to you at the cinema,” he said instead.

 

“Oh. Is that all?”

 

“Well it’s very important. I really want to know.”

 

Remus smiled. “She simply said that if I really thought they didn’t know that I was thicker than she thought and then she asked whether I knew that she loved me just as much now and she did before we got together.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Not very exciting.”

 

“She loves you more than she loves me,” said Sirius, pouting.

 

“Oh, now don’t pout.” 

 

Sirius tried to smile, but even faking it was proved too difficult and he sighed instead. The sigh came out wavering, as though it threatened to bring about a round of tears.

 

“I’m such an insensitive berk,” said Sirius. “I’m having a fit because my brother’s a Death Eater and your grandmother died last week.”

 

“It’s all right. I’ve done my mourning for her. I feel better by being home.” Remus paused. “Er, at your house.”

 

“Remus ...”

 

“Not now.”

 

“But—”

 

“Look,” began Remus, raising his hands to try to silence Sirius, “it’s not as though I don’t want to move in because I don’t love you or anything. It’s simply that I—”

 

“That you need breathing room.”

 

“Yes,” answered Remus, looking surprised. “But so do you. Believe me, when you get moody, you like to be alone.”

 

Sirius suddenly realized what Remus had just said. “Do you really?” he asked.

 

“Do I really what?”

 

“Love me.”

 

“Oh.” Remus’ cheeks turned pink. “Haven’t I ever said it before?”

 

“Not really, no.”

 

“No, I suppose I haven’t. I do, though. You should know that.”

 

Sirius nodded. “I do. It’s nice to hear it, I suppose. I do, too.”

 

“Do what?”

 

And the courage that he had swallowed only moments before resurfaced. “Love you,” he said.

 

“I know,” said Remus quietly. He pushed some of Sirius’ long hair behind his ear. “You still look like you might cry. Come here.”

 

Remus moved forward and kissed him, hard and hot, as though he knew exactly what Sirius needed tonight. It didn’t take him long to shed his clothing and place a pillow underneath him, bending his knees up towards his shoulders so he could look at Sirius while Sirius took him.

 

They were equals in their physical relationship; they both were tops and they both were bottoms, only it seemed Sirius had usually been the bottom for a very significant amount of time. It was all right, though, because when he needed to be the one inside, the one doing the fucking, Remus let him. Of course it was all very odd to wrap his mind around, considering it took several months for Sirius to relent and let Remus do it to him in the first place.

 

Afterwards, they fell asleep on the sofa, only to wake hours later and drag their tired, sticky bodies to the bedroom, where they stumbled to the mattress and under the covers, entwining themselves together so tightly that there was hardly a bit of Sirius’ flesh not touched by Remus. It was these times, when they knew exactly what the other wanted, what the other needed, when they knew the perfect touches, the precise words, that it seemed as though they were but one mind and one body. One person broken up into two halves, just lucky enough to have found one another.

 

Sirius just hoped that no matter what else happened, no matter the rows between them or the fight against Voldemort, that he’d be able to keep them this way. To keep them as a whole, complete, unbroken and constant. That would be his Christmas wish, if anyone asked (which they didn’t anymore), and as he saw it, only one Christmas dinner stood in the way of this, but they would get through it, together, and come out stronger in the end. Well, stronger if they didn’t get poisoned by their own rotten cooking skills – though that is why he’d got Lily to agree to help them. Sirius just hoped it would be enough.

 

The next week, the one right before Christmas, Sirius saw Remus only when he Apparated to walk to work. He stayed the night, as he usually did, but they didn’t have any extra time alone together. Normally this would have frustrated Sirius, but now he was glad because it gave him more time to work on his project. A project for Remus, to show him the things he was willing to do to have them live together and have everything work out. Because of all the people that were __supposed__ to love him didn’t and Remus was one person who gave his love freely and honestly, even though he didn’t have to. And this was something Sirius would not give up without a fight.

 

XXXXXXX

 

****End Part III** **

 

XXXXXXX


	4. Everything for the Future

XXXXXXX  
  
 **Part IV: Everything for the Future**  
  
XXXXXXX  
  
“I want to show you something,” said Sirius, getting up from the kitchen table and putting their cereal bowls in the sink. “It was an impulse buy, but—”  
  
“I thought we agreed we weren’t going to spend any money on each other for Christmas,” interrupted Remus, looking alarmed. “I didn’t buy you anything and James and Peter and Lily—”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “No, no, this isn’t for _you_. It’s for _me_. Happy Christmas, Sirius, and so on. Will you come outside and look?”  
  
“It’s outside?”  
  
“I woke up at eight to go get it and you slept until nine. Plenty of time for me to get it and fly it back.”  
  
Remus’ mouth opened and closed, as though he was trying to figure out exactly what to say. “I’m sorry ... you – you _flew_ it home? Flew it home as in ... in the _air_ , right? Not Floo as in the fireplace?”  
  
Sirius grinned and nodded. “Here.” He took Remus’ coat from the back of his chair and handed it to him. “It’s cold outside.”  
  
“Uh ...”  
  
“Oh, right. Hold on.” Sirius went to his bedroom and got two pairs of trousers and two shirts. When he’d come back home earlier from flying, Remus was just waking up and Sirius had made a point to wake him up more fully by stripping him of all his bedclothes and going down on him for no reason other than “because.” Then he declared that they didn’t do enough naked things together (“Sirius,” Remus had tried to reason, “we are starkers most of the time in this room,” but Sirius had tried to reason back by saying, “Yes, but not starkers in _other_ rooms.”) so there they were, eating sugary cereal without any clothes on.  
  
“Thanks,” said Remus, accepting the clothes when Sirius came back into the kitchen. “I don’t know if your neighbors would appreciate seeing me without any trousers on. They already think I’m over here quite an unnatural amount of times.”  
  
“I don’t even know their names so I hardly think I’d give a shit what they think about my houseguests. So ...” Sirius grinned. “... you wanna see her?”  
  
“Her? It’s not alive is it?”  
  
“I suppose that depends on your definition of ‘alive.’’”  
  
“Oh god.”  
  
“I’m going to name her, but I haven’t thought of anything good enough yet. Ready?”  
  
Remus took in a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, all right.”  
  
Sirius’ grinned broadened and he grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him out of the kitchen, through the door, and into the back garden. Standing before them was a bike. Not just any bike – a _motor_ bike. It was silver, chrome, with black detailing.  
  
“I think I’m in love,” said Sirius, a wistful tone to his voice.  
  
“Should I be jealous?” asked Remus, reaching his free hand out to touch the handle bars. “How did you fly it home?”  
  
“Levitation charm. Had to reset it four times before we got here.”  
  
“I’m surprised you didn’t kill yourself. I’m even more surprised no one saw you.”  
  
“I _know_. Isn’t it brilliant?”  
  
“I’m not riding it.”  
  
Sirius sighed and gave Remus’ hand a squeeze. “You’re no fun. Don’t tell wifey – she’ll never let James come over if she knows I got a motorbike.”  
  
“It’s not the bike part Lily will care about, it’s the flying and the falling and the breaking of necks.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. For the moment, he was content to just look at his new motorbike while holding Remus’ hand – something they didn’t really do. They weren’t the openly loving, handholding type and Sirius didn’t want them to be. Mostly, he was rather lost in the art of affection, though he suspected that sometimes Remus craved to be touched from the way the other boy would stare at Sirius’ hands as though waiting for them to envelope him, hold him, or lightly graze his skin.  
  
“She can get over it.”  
  
Remus snorted. “She does need a name, though. Azriel. Though, that’s a male name.”  
  
“Azriel? Is that ...?”  
  
“The angel who separates the soul from the body upon death.”  
  
Sirius blinked.  
  
“Morana – a Slavic goddess of death. Mythology.”  
  
Sirius blinked again.  
  
“Lorelei – a woman who would sing and lure sailors to their deaths.”  
  
“I’m not a sailor.”  
  
“No, but something about this motorbike called out to you, didn’t it? And you, being the very clever wizard you are, decided to use your knack for useless charms to good use and make the bike fly. Which you will die if you fly around on it.”  
  
“Levitation is not a useless charm.”  
  
“It is when you’re levitating a motorbike.”  
  
Sirius extracted his hand from Remus’ and stepped away from him.  
  
“Don’t,” said Remus in a warning tone. “Sirius, please. You know how I am. I worry. I worry all the time about everything. The thought of you or anyone on a motorbike that flies really makes me nervous. I can’t stop you from doing it. I’m not your mother, nor do I want to be. But if you insist on flying it, at least practice first. Disillusion yourself and the bike, though, so none of your Muggle neighbors would see.”  
  
“You’re very bossy.”  
  
“I thought you liked bossy?”  
  
“In bed,” said Sirius with a small laugh. “Disillusionment, check. Good idea, that.”  
  
“Mm.”  
  
“I’m not going to die.”  
  
“All right.” Remus reached for him, taking his arm and pulling him back. He touched their foreheads together, their skin already chilled by the winter air.  
  
“So ...” said Sirius. “Lorelei, then?”  
  
Remus smiled and nodded. “That sounds perfect.”  
  
XXXXXXX  
  
It hadn’t snowed in three days, but the ground was still covered with it. Instead of white, it was a grayish color on the tree branches and rooftops, black on the sides of the road from the passing cars, and brown in the gardens where thickly-lined boots had drudged up the dirt underneath it as they shuffled across their yards. So while it was still somewhat of a white Christmas, it was an ugly day at Sirius’ house.  
  
He’d gone to buy a proper dining room table and had to have Remus tag along and explain to him why Muggle furniture was better than wizard. The chairs, with their black cushions, now lined either side of the table as Sirius looked at it. Lily had told him to get proper china, which Sirius refused to do, citing he was the wrong sex to go shopping for something like that.  
  
“Ask me to buy the meat,” he had implored. “I’ll go to the butcher. That’s manly, masculine. Girls don’t like the butcher shop.”  
  
But somehow Sirius ended up in a store where they sold plates and had taken Remus along with him.  
  
“They’re not _plates_ ,” the salesgirl had said, looking quite horrified. “It’s fine china. What type of pattern are you looking for? There’s American Country, French Classic, Old Traditional—”  
  
“Remus, what is she talking about?” whispered Sirius.  
  
“I’ve no idea.”  
  
“D’you got British Manly?” interrupted Sirius.  
  
The salesgirl had looked completely taken aback and her eyes ventured towards Remus for help.  
  
“Look,” said Remus, “the thing of it is that everyone’s parents and family have decided to come to _his_ house for Christmas dinner. Does he really look the sort who has a proper dining room with proper place settings? Do you suppose he even know what I’m talking about when I _say_ place setting?”  
  
The salesgirl shook her head.  
  
“We’ve no idea about these things. We tried to convince one of our girl friends to come, but she refused, so we’re rather at a loss. Just give us something with a lot of red and gold on it.”  
  
“No green,” Sirius had piped up. “Oh – oh, no silver. Black’s all right, but no green, no silver.”  
  
In the end, Sirius had spent entirely too much Muggle money on dishes (“ _China!_ ” snapped the salesgirl) he would never use again.  
  
At five in the morning on Christmas Day, Sirius woke up with a start. He couldn’t remember what he’d been dreaming, but he was sweating and on his side of the bed instead of curled up beside the boy next to him. Careful not to disturb Remus, Sirius got out of bed and left the bedroom. The floor was cold under his feet as he made his way through the living area into the kitchen. He found the coffee and started it brewing. Glancing around his house, Sirius swore under his breath at the ridiculousness of having both a kitchen table and a “proper” dining room table.  
  
The clock on the wall read 5:04 AM. Lily was due around eight. Some of the food they’d made the night before while Remus was at work, but the important stuff would be made today. Sirius had no idea about cooking. Wherever he lived – at home, at James’, or at Hogwarts – someone else made his meals, either house-elves or one of James’ parents.  
  
Getting a full cup of black coffee, Sirius took his coat from where it lay on the table and put it on. He _Accio_ ’ed his shoes from the bedroom and slipped outside to the back garden. He tinkered with Lorelei, using charms to make her seat feel bigger without appearing bigger. The morning wind picked up and blew his long hair away from his face.  
  
After an hour or two, the kitchen door opened and Remus poked his head out.  
  
“I thought you’d be out here,” he said. “Did you have breakfast?”  
  
“I really can’t,” said Sirius. “Eat, I mean. I really can’t eat. My stomach feels – I’d probably throw up.”  
  
“Oh. Are you sick?”  
  
Sirius shrugged and stood up, picking up his coffee cup and looking at Remus shyly.  
  
“Nervous?”  
  
When Sirius didn’t answer Remus smiled and shook his head.  
  
“You don’t have to be nervous. The whole ordeal is stupid. My mother is obviously mad.”  
  
“It’s just ...”  
  
“Just what?”  
  
“Here,” said Sirius, taking a step towards the door, “let’s go inside.” Sirius leaned against the door once it was shut behind him and they were both safely inside, away from the cold. “We don’t really talk about this stuff too much, do we?”  
  
“What stuff?”  
  
“ _This_ stuff. Girl stuff. Like being nervous about parents.”  
  
Remus shrugged and poured himself some coffee. He mixed in a good bit of cream and sugar. “It’s not girl stuff,” he said, turning around and putting the cup to his lips. “It’s _relationship_ stuff,” he added and then drank. “We’re in one of those, if you had forgot.”  
  
“No, I didn’t forget. We rarely talk about the relationship. And we hardly ever use those _words_.”  
  
“What words?”  
  
“Like ...” Sirius looked to his left and his right, as though the pots and pans might hear him. “ _Boyfriend_ ,” he whispered.  
  
“Horrible word, that,” said Remus dryly.  
  
“Mmm. I do feel sick, though. I think it’s – god, I think it’s nerves. I told you I was a girl! That’s why you fancy me, isn’t it? ‘Cause I’m really a girl.”  
  
“Of course,” said Remus with a smirk.  
  
“Nuuaaaggh!” moaned Sirius miserably. “Your dad’s going to _slaughter_ me.”  
  
“I do believe ‘slaughter’ is a bit rash, don’t you think?”  
  
“No! Not at all! I’ll be a pile of mush – a mush pile of Padfoot.”  
  
“Tragic.” Remus put down his coffee and walked the few paces across the kitchen to stand in front of Sirius. He was only an inch or so shorter than Sirius. “You know that no matter what my father says, you’re not going to lose me? Your mother would probably kill you herself if she knew about us, wouldn’t she? That doesn’t stop you.”  
  
“But you _talk_ to your parents. You _like_ them.”  
  
“I like them as well as children normally like their parents. I’ll be twenty-one in March, won’t I? They can’t say much about my life anymore. Are you worried that I’ll leave you?”  
  
“No ...”  
  
“Does that ‘no’ really mean ‘yes’?”  
  
“No ...”  
  
Remus smiled. “Sirius ...”  
  
Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him close, hugging him as hard as he could. “Moony, god – Moony. You just don’t _know_.”  
  
“Know what?”  
  
Sirius ran his hands under Remus’ shirt, trailing his fingers all over the other boy’s back. “How much I fucking want you. All the time. I really – I mean, I really, y’know. I really love you. That’s all.”  
  
He could feel Remus’ body relax under his touch.  
  
“I know,” said Remus. “I love you, too. Funny, that. I never thought the first person I’d fall in love with would be a wizard and not a witch.”  
  
“Mmm, yeah. Remus? Is there anything you’d want to ... change? About us?”  
  
“What do you mean?” asked Remus, pulling back.  
  
“Dunno. I obviously would change the whole bit about you not living here. Oh – and I’d want you to do that telling-me-what-to-do thing in bed again.”  
  
“You really did like that, then?”  
  
Sirius nodded enthusiastically.  
  
“Well, then.” Remus flushed. “I can’t really argue with that, can I? What would _I_ change? I don’t know, really. Sometimes I wish” – Remus began to turn even redder – “that you’d touch me more. Not in public, but around here ...”  
  
 _I knew it!_ thought Sirius.  
  
“... Otherwise there’s nothing. Except, I wish you’d wear socks. The motorbike is fine as long as you’re careful. You may be the girl in the relationship, but I’m like the overprotective wife sometimes. You scare the _shit_ out of me on that thing.”  
  
“Ah, but I’ve gotten _loads_ better driving it in the air in just the past couple of days, you have to admit.”  
  
Remus nodded. “I do admit, but the socks, Sirius, the _socks_. If it’s not your neck getting broken, then it’s your toes turning blue.”  
  
“We’ll work on the socks thing. My feet make no promises, though. You look like an apple.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“You’re completely red. You embarrass so easily.”  
  
“Discussing these things _is_ embarrassing.”  
  
“It shouldn’t be,” said Sirius. “We know what turns each other on, don’t we?” Sensing that Remus was growing more uncomfortable, Sirius switched topics; he and Remus could talk about it more later. “D’you want to see your Christmas present?”  
  
“Already?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yes. It’s Christmas Day! Come on, I’ll show you.” He took Remus’ hand again and led him to the lounge and turned him towards the closed door next to his bedroom. “There.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“That door.”  
  
“You got me a door for Christmas? Padfoot, you really know the meaning of romance.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “No, no. While you were at work or frolicking around at your parents’ house, I went to the bookstore and got a book on enlargement charms.”  
  
“Oh, no, you didn’t. Should I’ve told you before that I think you’re more than fine down there?”  
  
“There? What? Oh.” Sirius began to laugh. “I didn’t enlargement my cock, Moony. Though now that you mention it – but a discussion for another time. How about you open the door.”  
  
Remus did. He turned the knob and pushed the door open. It was completely black inside so he raised his wand, muttering, “ _Lumos!_ ” and peered inside. Normally the room was barely big enough to throw in a double-sized bed, but Sirius had put charms on it, much like the charms he suspected were used for the Room of Distraction at Hogwarts. Now it was more than threefold the size. Nothing was inside save one squishy-looking sofa pushed into one of the corners.  
  
“You’re not allowed to _sleep_ in here,” said Sirius, trying to decipher the look on Remus’ face, “but it’s breathing room. In case we get shirty with each other you can banish yourself to the room. You know. Like you said. There’s no room here and – so – I – well – I did the charms so that room is useable. You’re here two or three nights a week anyway, but you do get your time away from me and you fancy yourself a really private sort, don’t you? So ... Christ, say something.”  
  
“It’s ...”  
  
“If you tell me you don’t like it I’m hexing you.”  
  
“No,” said Remus, shaking his head. “I haven’t even said whether I’ll ever move in or not.”  
  
“You will, one day. I don’t want to _force_ you here or push you into moving if you don’t want to, but when you _do_ want to, then that’s where all your shit can go.”  
  
“My shit?”  
  
“Books and socks.”  
  
“Ah, I do have a lot of socks.”  
  
Sirius smiled. “Where’s my Christmas present?”  
  
Remus shook his head. “There’s not enough time to give it to you now.” He visibly swallowed. “Sirius ... Padfoot ... I know you said you enlarged it, but how long did it take you to do it without distorting the rest of the house?”  
  
“Yeah – believe me, a few times the walls broke and I had to undo everything. I’m surprised, actually, that the stupid Muggle police didn’t come knocking around, asking what all the noise was. The plan in my head had originally been to, y’know, have it all ...” He waved his hand in the air as he tried to think of exactly what he meant to say, as though his fingers might pluck the right word out of the air. “... nice-looking inside. But I didn’t have the time. I only figured out the charm yesterday morning and I haven’t touched it since to make sure the charm sticks.”  
  
After a long silence, Sirius added, “D’you trust me?”  
  
“Yes, of course I do.”  
  
“Then why d’you seem so sure that I’ll get tired of you? Or want you to move out?”  
  
“It’s not that I—”  
  
“Because after every time I go traipsing after Death Eaters for Dumbledore, you’re in the back of my head and I wonder if you’ll be at the house when I get back or if you’ll be at work for me to stop by.”  
  
“That’s very—”  
  
“Or when I’m sitting around here doing nothing at all. It’s like you’re just in my fucking head. A virus! You’re like a virus!”  
  
“That doesn’t sound—”  
  
“Only I don’t want to get rid of you. Ever, actually. They’ll either have to kill me or shut me up in Azkaban to leave you. And I don’t _need_ you here. I can buy my own cereals and wash my own socks – ha, ha, I know, I don’t _have_ any socks. I can read books myself and talk Peter into going to the cinema with me now that Prongs has got all _married_ on us. But the point – _the point_ is that I don’t _need_ you to move in. I _want_ you here. I’m capable of living without you, but it’s not the kind of life I want to try having.”  
  
Sirius almost fell backwards as Remus launched himself at him, throwing his arms around his neck and pushing their mouths together.  
  
“ _Oof_! How long does a girl have to – oh, _shit_.”  
  
Sirius pushed Remus away; both boys panted.  
  
“First James and now you. Don’t either of you know anything about sneaking up on people?”  
  
Lily grinned. She looked very pretty in a knee-length green dress that hugged her hips. She must have noticed Sirius staring at the flatness around her stomach for she said, “I’m still not showing so I thought I’d better wear these clothes while I can. Are you two quite finished groping one another?”  
  
“No, but I don’t think we have a choice, do we?” Sirius said, pushing the sleeves of his long-sleeved t-shirt up to his elbows. “That dress isn’t going to get ruined when you cook?”  
  
“You’re the ones cooking. I’m just going to stand back and help. I’m witch, aren’t I? There are charms to keep clothes pristine. You should try it sometime.”  
  
“I’m shit at household charms and Moony can’t do more than Vanish dust. Last time he tried to keep his Muggle suit from getting ruined, he charmed a hole right through the crotch of the trousers.”  
  
“No,” said Remus, “I think it was _you_ who did it and I’m rather certain you did it on purpose.”  
  
Looking at Lily, Sirius said, “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff.”  
  
XXXXXXX  
  
In the end, Lily did most of the cooking, pushing Sirius away when he began to add the wrong amount of salt or baking powder. He didn’t mind one bit; this _cooking_ shit was just that – shit. There was a reason why his kitchen had nothing but milk, cereal, and alcohol in it. Remus was just as bad as he was, spilling flour and drinking the wine instead of putting into some concoction Lily said would taste great.  
  
There was only about fifteen minutes before Remus’ parents would arrive and everything seemed to be mostly done. In the oven, the bread was warming up and Sirius was trying to wrench a glass of wine out of Remus’ hands.  
  
“You’ve already had two of these. Your parents aren’t going to like it if they see you pissed.”  
  
“I won’t get pissed,” snapped Remus. “If I don’t drink it my hands will begin to shake again.”  
  
“Nerves,” said Lily with a sigh. “I remember first meeting James’ parents. I was such a wreck.”  
  
“You’re not helping!” said Sirius. “Nuaaggh! I think someone just Apparated into the back.”  
  
“They’re early! God – why are they—?”  
  
“If you lose the ability to speak again I _will_ hex something vital off your body,” threatened Sirius. He kissed Remus, hard and fast, and went to open his kitchen door.  
  
“I wish we could’ve just _driven_. This Apparation makes my insides feel like they’re turning inside-out.”  
  
Sirius tried to smile at Remus’ father, but he couldn’t manage it. He wished he had drunk some of that wine Remus had. Mr. Lupin extracted himself from his wife’s embrace and shook off the feeling of Apparition. He extended a hand to Sirius.  
  
“Hello, Happy Christmas.”  
  
“Happy Christmas,” said Sirius, shaking Mr. Lupin’s hand. “Hello, Mrs. Lupin.”  
  
She smiled at him and something about the look she gave him let Sirius know that she hadn’t told her husband yet about Remus and him. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Stepping aside, he allowed Mr. and Mrs. Lupin to come inside his house; he shut the door behind them.  
  
“You bought this house all on your own?” asked Mr. Lupin.  
  
“My!” exclaimed Remus’ mum. “This is a wonderful table! Sirius, you have great taste in china.”  
  
“Er, actually,” said Sirius, coming up behind Mrs. Lupin and offering to take her coat. “The salesgirl has good taste. I’d no idea what she was on about. But Gryffindor colors, you know. Can’t really go wrong with red and gold, I suppose. Er ...” He handed the coat off to Remus who put it over the backs of one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
“Oh,” said Sirius, forgetting to answer Mr. Lupin’s question, “yeah, I bought it myself. My uncle left me money when he died. My parents wrote me out of the will and all that.”  
  
“Written out of the will?” Remus’ dad seemed truly shocked. “I can’t imagine what my boy’d have to do to get wrote out of the will.”  
  
Remus gave an uneasy laugh. “Well, you never know – these kids these days – off disappointing their parents and—”  
  
“Hello, I don’t know if you remember me, and Sirius tries, but he’s not always a good host. I’m Lily Potter.”  
  
Sirius stepped away as Lily approached Remus’ parents. He took the opportunity to let Lily charm them both to pour himself a glass of wine and down it.  
  
“ _What’re you doing?_ ” Remus hissed in his ear.  
  
“They can’t see me!” Sirius had made sure to hide himself behind the icebox as he drank. “Two minutes here and I’m as nervous as you.” He poked Remus in the chest. “This is all your mother’s fault. Tell her I’ll buy her a month’s supply of elfish bark if she just takes your dad and leaves now.”  
  
“She doesn’t smoke,” said Remus. “Least, I hope not. It doesn’t matter. They’re here. Try not to make my mother worry about me more than she already does.”  
  
“I don’t think I can do that,” said Sirius. “You know how I get when I’m nervous! I just start spewing out words and my brain won’t make me stop!”  
  
“You’ll have to stop! You can’t let it slip before I tell my father. Tell all the stories you want about smoking weed or flying your motorbike or whatever else you feel like telling. Retell everything we ever did at Hogwarts. Just not about _us_. That needs to come from me without Lily and James around. They both know to keep their mouths shut about it and they’re leaving right after dinner’s over.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Right. Wait. You want me to tell stories about us smoking weed? That won’t make your mother worry?”  
  
“Right, we should probably refrain from any stories that refer to us doing illegal things.”  
  
“So, basically, I cannot say anything at all?”  
  
“Basically.”  
  
James arrived only a few minutes later, looking melancholy, but with the right amount of currant rum in him, the sad look melted off his face. Dinner went reasonably well. Sirius did let it slip about the time he had to Obliviate the Muggle police when they received a call about wild dog in his back garden. It took a few coughs from Lily to get Sirius to shut up and change the subject. Remus’ mum was pretty laid back, but the less people who knew about illegal Animagi, the better.  
  
Throughout dinner, Sirius sat with Remus foot flush against his; they were across the table from one another and able to offer reassuring glances and smiles as the meal wore on. They were wearing shoes, but their ankles touched, as though Remus was telling him everything would be all right. He did have to force an appetite and when he chewed on the roasted potatoes, he could hardly taste them. Never in his life had he drunk so much water, having to put the glass to his mouth after every bite to wash the food down.  
  
When James and Lily prepared to leave, Mr. Lupin told James what a lovely wife he’d snagged himself, which made James laugh. Sirius had caught the subtle looks that his best mate threw his wife, and the looks she returned to him. Their faces gave all their emotions away and no one would have been able to miss that they were in love. Panicked, Sirius wondered if people could tell that about him and Remus.  
  
“Lily said she left a pie in the kitchen,” said Remus’ mum. “Would you like for me to cut us each a piece?”  
  
“I’m going to go outside,” answered Mr. Lupin, “but after that.” To Sirius he asked, “Would you like a fag?”  
  
Sirius nearly choked, but was able to nod.  
  
“I’ll come with you,” said Remus, pressing his foot against Sirius’ again, as though letting him know that now would be the time to tell his father. Suddenly that _fag_ didn’t sound so good.  
  
Sirius got them their coats and opened up the front door where there was a stoop and a step for them to sit on while they smoked.  
  
When Remus’ dad pulled out the cigarettes, he handed one to Sirius and offered another to Remus, but the boy shook his head. Sirius thought he looked rather ill, his face turning practically green.  
  
“So, Dad,” began Remus, “there’s something that I need to tell you ...”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
Sirius handed Remus his unlit cigarette. Remus looked up and down the street before pulling out his wand and lighting the end and handing it back to Sirius. Between his lips, the cigarette felt good; it felt like a reason to stay quiet.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Surreptitiously pressing his hand against Remus’ lower back, Sirius willed him to just come out and say it, to just tell his father and get it over with.  
  
“Are you all right?”  
  
“I’ve been thinking about moving,” blurted Remus.  
  
“That’s not so bad. Is that why you look so ill?” asked his father. “We always knew one day you’d move out.”  
  
“I’ve been thinking about moving _here_.”  
  
“To London?”  
  
“To Sirius’ house.”  
  
Mr. Lupin looked back and forth between the two boys and Sirius could practically see the wheels turning in his head. He lifted the cigarette to his mouth and took the longest drag Sirius had ever seen anyone take.  
  
“I think I need to sit down.”  
  
Sirius watched as Mr. Lupin sat on the step in front of his house. Next to him, Remus was beginning to look even worse.  
  
“This house,” said Mr. Lupin slowly, “has only got one bedroom.”  
  
“Right,” said Remus.  
  
“And only one bed?”  
  
Sirius felt the need to laugh; this was almost the same conversation Remus had had with his mother when she’d Apparated to the house.  
  
“Yes, only one bed.”  
  
“Happy Christmas.”  
  
“What?” said Sirius and Remus at the same time.  
  
“It’s a perfect day to spring this upon an old man. When I’m full of food and in a good mood.” Mr. Lupin tossed his cigarette into the front garden. “Remus, my boy, what you have to understand is that when I pictured you moving in with someone, it was a girl. Though, Sirius, you do have the hair.”  
  
Sirius touched the ends of his hair; it was down past his shoulders already.  
  
“It’s a very masculine style,” he said. “All the rock stars are wearing it this way.”  
  
Mr. Lupin laughed. “Right you are, Sirius.” He rubbed his eyes, his laughter disappearing as quickly as it came. “Remus, are you sure?”  
  
“Um. Yes. Sure about what exactly?”  
  
“That you’re – with a man?”  
  
“Oh. Well, that’s rather complicated,” answered Remus. “It’s rather embarrassing to discuss, details about bisexuals and—”  
  
“Oh, please stop. I can’t – Remus, do you realize what you’re doing to yourself? Already you’re ostracized from your mother’s world because of the ... _bite_ ... but now you’re setting yourself up to be hated for something completely different. You don’t have to choose this road.”  
  
“Well, it’s not exactly a matter of choice, Dad,” said Remus, looking rather angry. “I didn’t _choose_ for my life to take this turn, but it did. Believe me, things would be a lot easier if I didn’t have to tell interested girls that I’m in a relationship with a man.”  
  
“Of course you chose it. Everyone chooses their lots in life.”  
  
“I didn’t choose to get bitten by a werewolf,” Remus ground out. “That choice was made without my consent.”  
  
Sirius really wished he’d stayed inside and refused that cigarette.  
  
“No, but that’s completely diff—”  
  
“It’s not completely different! It’s completely the same. Some things are out of our control. Like, Divination and seeing things in crystal balls. What you see is the future and you can’t always change it. Your fate is your fate and it’s something you just have to accept.”  
  
“I don’t believe in fate.”  
  
“Mum does.”  
  
“Your mother is allowed to believe whatever she wants to believe, but I don’t buy into it. You’re choosing this and I wish you wouldn’t. You already have a terrible job and if they find out that you’re living with a man you could lose it.”  
  
“I won’t lose my job.”  
  
“I’ve enough money if he does,” said Sirius. “I won’t toss him into the street.” Remus jabbed him in the ribs. “I was only trying to help.”  
  
“I don’t like to imagine my boy ...” Mr. Lupin sighed and shook his head. “I always pictured you married one day. To a librarian or something.”  
  
Sirius bit his tongue. “If it makes you feel better, everyone tells me I’m the girl in the relationship – _ouch!_ ” Remus had jabbed him again.  
  
“You’re not helping.”  
  
Mr. Lupin looked up at Sirius. “I don’t know what that means. Being the girl?”  
  
“Oh, no, you really don’t want me to explain it to you. You’ve not had nearly enough liquor for that.”  
  
Ignoring Sirius, Remus continued, “Dad, I wanted you to know because you’re my father and family is important to me. I didn’t like lying and if I move to London, I don’t want to have to lie about where I’m living. I would want you and Mum to feel free to come and visit me if you wanted to.”  
  
“If I didn’t approve, what would you say?”  
  
“I’d say that I’ll be twenty-one in March. I cannot live my life based on what you do or do not approve of. Maybe a couple years ago I would have let it affect me, but I don’t do that anymore.”  
  
“That’s what I figured you’d say.”  
  
“Dad—”  
  
“No, Remus, now is not the time. We can talk about this more when I’m not so shocked. I’m going to see if your mother needs help with that pie.”  
  
Sirius watched Remus’ dad walk into his house and shut the front door. When his eyes went from the door to Remus, he saw how the other boy looked on the verge of tears, actual real tears. It tore at something in his chest and he reached for him, only to have Remus push his hands away.  
  
“Not now,” he said, taking in deep breaths, but Sirius wasn’t going to listen to his protests. He pulled Remus into a hug, burying his nose in his hair and smelling that cheap shampoo Mrs. Lupin always had in her bathrooms.  
  
“Your father didn’t try to hex us.”  
  
“He’s a Muggle. He _can’t_ hex us.”  
  
“He didn’t throw things, then. He didn’t have a fit. He’ll come around.”  
  
“Will he?” Sirius felt Remus arms give in and go around him.  
  
“Would like you me to talk to him? I could make a Persuasion Draught. Those are _excellent_ in getting what you want. Though, they do take three months to simmer and even then, I’m not so sure I could get it to be the exact shade of azure ... I’m not even sure what _azure_ means, though I keep hearing that since I’m gay I’m supposed to know these things. As if color recognition is imbedded in my brain.”  
  
Remus laughed against Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“I didn’t take that final year of NEWT Potions, don’t forget. Though I bet Snivellus has wet dreams about Persuasion Draughts, the dirty bastard.”  
  
“Sirius?” Remus pulled away just enough to look Sirius in the eyes. “I think I’m going to go home tonight – no, before you protest, let me explain. I need to make sure that things between my father and I are good. I need them back to relative normalcy before I begin to stay over the night. Now he knows where I am when I don’t come home and while before he thought I was here, he thought I was here drinking liquor and passing out on your sofa or at a pub trying to pull a good-looking bird.”  
  
“I understand.”  
  
“Do you? I’m going to come back. He’s not going to convince me not to be with you. That nonsense he was spurting, about choices? That was rubbish and I don’t believe it. You being in my life isn’t making it any harder than it would be if I had a girlfriend. I’d still be just as poor, just as lupine once a month.”  
  
“I trust you, really.”  
  
“All right. We should go in.”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “No, you go in. I’m going to stay out here for a while. Maybe smoke another cigarette. Tell your parents goodbye for me, will you?”  
  
Remus nodded and Sirius sat down on his front step, taking his cigarettes from his coat pocket. From behind, he heard the front door open and shut. He looked at the pack and realized that without Remus to light the end, he’d never be able to smoke. When he cast the charm with his wand, the flame was always too big and his eyebrows ended up singed off.  
  
With a sigh, Sirius tossed the pack into the gray snow and closed his eyes.  
  
XXXXXXX  
  
After Christmas dinner, Sirius didn’t hear from Remus for three whole days. He’d gone to James’ house twice to convince James to fly around on his motorbike with him, but it wasn’t the same without Remus on the ground, worrying about him. He’d tried to get James to play chess or Exploding Snap, but Lily was always around and it made conversation difficult with her looming overhead.  
  
She’d given Sirius two small boxes, explaining that it was something she’d found and made him and Remus for Christmas. When Sirius opened the boxes he found two identical bracelets. They both had one small, flat silver stone and tied around the wrist with thin, black leather.  
  
“I think you put the stones in the wrong boxes,” said Sirius, noticing that the bracelet which had come out of his box had a picture of a crescent moon stamped on it while Remus’ had a star.  
  
“No,” Lily had answered, “I didn’t.”  
  
She further explained that the bracelets had protection charms and that she had made ones for herself and James as well. If any of them ever got seriously injured, the other stones would all turn red-hot, alerting them all that something had happened.  
  
“My parents don’t really talk to me very much and they’re Muggle anyway. James’ mum is in hospital and you haven’t spoken to your parents since you were sixteen. Remus’ parents seem completely oblivious to the war. It’s important to know when we’re in danger because sometimes I think we’re all we got.”  
  
Sirius was inclined to agree and he put his bracelet around his wrist. It was surprisingly small when he actually put it on, small enough against his large hands that no one would take notice of it. He had promised Lily he would give the other one to Remus and have him wear it. He noticed James wore one just like theirs, only he couldn’t see what sort of symbol Lily had found for his stone.  
  
Before he left James and Lily’s house, Lily told him there would be a rather large New Year’s party at their house and that he and Remus were required to attend. By the time Sirius got home, his owl was sitting on his rooftop, a letter tied to its foot.

> _Padfoot –  
>  I should have written sooner, but owls make my father nervous. Supper. 31 December. 6 o’clock.  
> -Remus  
> P.S. If you bring the bike, Disillusion yourself. Otherwise, Apparate into the back garden. _

XXXXXXX

He didn’t take the motorbike. He wanted to, he wanted to feel the cold air brush through his hair as he flew, but his levitation charms never held up for longer than a trip around the city, let alone out to the country where Remus’ parents lived.

The inside of his house was small – larger than Sirius’ house, but small nonetheless. While once new, their furniture was now faded, showing the signs of age and having a small boy run around the house as a child. Sirius had only been inside the house a handful of times and only seen Remus’ room once.

He Apparated into the back and walked around the house to the front door and knocked. Remus opened the door and ushered Sirius inside.

“I think this is far more complicated than it’s supposed to be,” apologized Remus.

“S’all right. What’s your mum cooking for dinner?”

“She’s not.”

“Pardon?”

“She’s not cooking. She’s not even here, actually. She went to play witches’ bridge with a few of her friends from when she was at Hogwarts.”

“She’s not here?” screeched Sirius.

“Calm down!” Remus placed his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. “It was my dad’s idea. If he was going to kill you, he would have come to your house instead so he wouldn’t be responsible for cleaning up the mess.”

“That isn’t reassuring, you bastard.”

“Actually, there isn’t any food here, but—”

“Your father’s going to kill me on an empty stomach? Remus! What’s wrong with you?”

Remus sniggered and dropped his hands from Sirius’ shoulders. “Calm down,” he repeated. “Dad just wants to talk to you.”

“You mean ‘us,’ don’t you? Your dad wants to talk to _us_?”

“Okay, sure, _us_. And there _is_ food, but not the kind of food my mum makes. Dad’s doing something with the fish and he made home-made chips. He thinks his chips are really good, so make sure you eat them. They might give you indigestion, but you shouldn’t die or anything from them. I don’t think, anyway.”

“Why are you doing this to me? Just Avada Kedavra me. Right here, right in the chest. Do it quick.”

“I’m not going to Avada Kedavra you, you idiot.”

“It would be a better fate.”

“You’re so very bent. All this melodrama.”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. My melodrama has nothing to do with my predilection for cocks.”

“That’s a big word.”

“I know. Word of the day in the Muggle newspaper.”

“Impressive.”

“I know, sometimes my brain holds useful information.”

Remus smiled. “I promise if he kills you, he’ll be gentle, all right?”

“I’m going to get laid tonight for this, right? It’s been a week since I’ve seen you. Between your brilliant idea to tell your dad that you’ve got a, y’know, boyfriend and your grandmother dying, I’ve barely seen you this month. And hey – why didn’t you Apparate to my house before you went to work?”

“Oh, they were closed this week for the holiday.”

“Really? Why didn’t you—”

“Come, let’s go to the kitchen so we can eat, get the discussion over with, and go to James’ New Year’s party.”

Sirius allowed Remus to pull him into the kitchen. Mr. Lupin was just setting two pans on the small, round table, one full of fish, the other full of greasy chips. Sirius was struck by how much Remus and his dad looked alike. Remus had his mother’s eyes and hair, and his dad’s nose, but it was beyond just looks. They stood the same way, curled their mouths around their drinking glasses the same way. They had the same laugh, the same smile, the same frown. Their personalities were different, but Remus’ dad wasn’t bad looking for an older guy, and Sirius felt rather excited at the prospect that one day Remus could be in his house, looking just like that, hair graying around the ears, wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, and a smile that shone in his eyes first before his lips ever got around to bending upwards.

Remus began to pull some fish onto his plate and Sirius mimicked him, pilling his plate with chips. Mr. Lupin set down three glasses of fizzy Muggle drinks on the table.

“So, boys,” said Mr. Lupin, looking all around the kitchen, his eyes everywhere except on Sirius, “what lot is going to show up at this party?”

“James said a few people from Hogwarts who were in our year,” said Remus. “Peter and the like.”

“A few people from, er, work,” added Sirius, being careful not to say the Order.

“I didn’t think you had a job,” said Mr. Lupin, finally looking at Sirius.

“Oh. I _don’t_ , technically. I’ve been doing some work for the Headmaster at Hogwarts. Running errands, delivering messages.”

“You don’t have owls to do that?”

“It’s quicker to have a conversation with me than trade owls all day long.”

“I see. And he pays you well?”

Sirius shook his head and stuffed a chip into his mouth. “No,” he said once he swallowed. “I do it for free. My uncle left me enough money I don’t really have to work if I don’t want to. I help Dumbledore because otherwise I’d feel rather useless and bored. And I know myself. I’d never get up to go to a job that I didn’t need to have and nothing really strikes my fancy enough for me to _want_ to get out of bed if I don’t have to.”

Remus smiled at him and tapped his foot against Sirius’ shoe.

“I talk when I’m nervous,” said Sirius.

“Don’t be nervous,” replied Mr. Lupin. “Though it’s nice to know I can still intimidate someone.”

“I was always the guy in our group who could charm the pants off anyone – er. I mean. Shit. _Shit_ , I didn’t mean to say – okay – forget I said that. I could never charm my way out of detention with McGonagall, but Flitwick certainly never took house points or anything. So my point is that people never used to intimidate me and I’m usually – I’m very – colloquial.”

“Colloquial?” mused Mr. Lupin.

“Do you even know what that means?” asked Remus, throwing a chip in his mouth.

“Yes. It was the word of the day yesterday.”

“I think you got it a bit out of context.”

“Did I? Bloody Muggles and their stupid words. Er ... Shit. God, fuck, there I go again!” Sirius threw down the chip in his hand; it landed on the plate as he rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m sorry. Normally I can talk, carrying on a conversation. Colloquial? Still no? You know what I’m trying to say.”

Mr. Lupin cleared his throat in such a way that Sirius looked over at him from between his fingers.

“Let’s get to the point and get you out of your misery.”

“Good, yes, let’s. Please. Misery, god, I’m pathetic when I’m miserable.”

“No matter what I say, Remus is going to do what he wants to do. He’s not shown bad judgment before, and his mother said he did excellent on his MOLEs.”

“His – I’m sorry, what?”

“MOLEs?” repeated Mr. Lupin. “Monstrously Odious Last Examinations?”

“It’s NEWTs, Dad,” said Remus. “Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests.”

“Either way, son, your mother said you did well. High marks.”

“Yeah, Remus, what’d you end up with anyway? Four O’s and two A’s and two E’s ...?”

Sirius smirked as Remus blushed and answered, “Five O’s, two E’s, one A.”

“And no one wants to hire you at the Ministry. Fuck ‘em. Er. Shit.”

“That’s all right,” said Mr. Lupin. “Like I was saying before, Remus has good judgment, I think. I don’t like the idea of him going around and letting everyone knows he’s a boyfriend-type-person, but he assures me that no one knows besides me and his mum and James. I am telling you that the Muggle word is not ready to embrace two men. They’re simply not ready. So you must promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t approve, but I’m not opposed to it. My son’s happiness supersedes my beliefs and I’m willing to set them aside in order for Remus to live his life happily. It’s my fault he was bitten and turned into a werewolf and the guilt eats at me every day, but I’d feel even more guilty knowing that I was keeping him from being happy between transformations.

“Furthermore, if you insist on being together, then you must act like it. We always assumed that when you, Remus, found a girlfriend she’d come over for dinner and holidays. Therefore, I have a proposition. I’ll keep my mouth shut about life choices and let you live your lives, but you both have to come here, for dinner, twice a month. And once you decide to officially move, you must fill us in on life in London. Any drunken stories are best left to when your mother is playing bridge.”

Remus smiled and Sirius felt the tension from his own body melt away.

“Your mother is afraid of losing her only son,” said Mr. Lupin, looking straight at Remus. “That happens when children grow up and fall in love and move away. They don’t write or visit as often, but, Remus, you’re not allowed to do that. If you forget that we’re your parents, I’ll come to London and drag you home and glue you to the dining room chair until you’ve had three helpings of your mother’s beef casserole with us.”

“Yes, sir,” said Remus with a small smile.

They finished their fish and chips in silence after that and when they were done, Remus took their plates and put them in the sink.

“I’m going to get my shoes,” he said. “I’ll meet you at James’, all right?”

Sirius wasn’t sure why they couldn’t Apparate together, but he nodded instead. Before he left, he shook Mr. Lupin’s hand and thanked him.

XXXXXXX

Remus ended up arriving thirty minutes after Sirius. He asked him why he was late, but Remus just shook his head and said he would explain everything later.

Sirius had never seen James and Lily’s house so full. Several of their old classmates from Hogwarts were there, all with glasses of wine or bottles of beer in their hands. A few of the younger members of the Order were also there, looking relieved to have a night off from thinking about war and Killing Curses and crazed wizards in masks.

Lily was the perfect hostess, never letting anyone run out of food or drink. She kept a smile glued on her face and she laughed at everyone’s jokes. When the clock hit midnight, everyone cheered and took their cues to leave over the next hour. By one-thirty, the house was empty again and Lily waved her wand around, Vanishing all the trash left behind in their friends’ wake. She excused herself to go to bed, kissing the top of James’ head as she passed by him on the sofa. He kissed the back of her hand while his fingers trailed across her stomach, as though also saying goodnight to the baby inside.

“Don’t stay up too late,” she said with a smile as she disappeared down the hall.

“All right, mates,” said James, reaching into his jacket pocket, “this is what I’ve been waiting for.” He pulled out a clear bag full of herbs. He tossed the bag into Sirius’ lap. “Roll us one.”

“Whoa,” breathed Peter. “Is that a bag of—?”

“Muggle weed,” said Remus. “Why do you have that?”

James stretched out on the sofa. Peter sat on the other end while Remus and Sirius shared a seat on the floor, resting their elbows on the coffee table in front of them as they faced James and Peter. Most of the furniture in the house had come from the Potters’ house and it showed from its quality and beauty.

“Lily bought it for me for Christmas.”

“Merlin, you’ve got the most brilliant wife in the world. How’d she get her hands on it?” Sirius opened the bag and sniffed. “It smells _wonderful_.”

“A Muggle got caught in the crossfire of a couple wizards and came to St. Mungo’s to get sorted out. Was mouthing off about pot and Lily bought some from him before she Obliviated him. Not because of the weed. Because she had to, like they do with all the Muggles who come in for treatment.”

Sirius conjured some thin rolling papers with his wand and set to roll a thick joint.

“She doesn’t care that you’re going to get high when she can’t?” asked Remus.

“Why can’t she?” asked Peter.

“Because she’s _Lily Potter_ ,” answered Sirius, licking one side of the paper to get it to stick to the other and he rolled it up.

“Because she’s pregnant,” said Remus.

“So?”

James and Sirius both shifted in their seats; telltale signs that neither wanted to respond to Peter’s ridiculous question.

“That sort of thing can hurt the baby,” answered Remus.

“My mum drank when she was pregnant with me,” claimed Peter.

“God, and that explains so much,” muttered Sirius. “Ouch!” He glared at Remus who had just elbowed him in the side.

“It wasn’t really a known issue before,” explained Remus. “It wasn’t until this decade that people really began to talk about it. Don’t worry, you turned out just fine, but not all kids are so lucky. Lily’s too clever to smoke.”

“This is my last chance to be young and immature,” said James wistfully. “Or so she says. My reward for being a responsible adult, getting a job, working for the Order, and making all sorts of plans for the future when the baby comes. So she bought me this and told me to have fun, for tomorrow I have to remain an adult for the rest of time.”

“She’s brilliant,” said Sirius. “Here, Moony, light this.”

Remus took the joint from Sirius, put it between his lips, and lit the end with his wand. He inhaled it before handing it to James. Sirius watched as Remus held the smoke in his chest as long as he could before puffing it out with a small cough.

“I forgot how much that makes my throat burn,” he said.

“I cannot believe you’re going to smoke with us,” said Peter. “You hardly _ever_ get high.”

“I don’t like losing control,” said Remus, “but sometimes it’s all right, I suppose.”

Sirius took the joint from Peter and put it to his mouth. The smoke flew past his throat and into his chest. Already he could feel the effects go to his brain. After a few more passes of the joint, he began to feel as though he was floating, as though he didn’t really exist and time was just a game. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of confusion, a lot of stories that were incomplete for the weed had taken over their brains, making it nearly impossible to do anything other than sit and breathe.

It was nice to be at James’ house and smoke weed. Somehow Sirius knew that this would also be his own final time to smoke. James was going to be a father and soon he would pull even further away from Sirius. Their times of getting high and drunk were over.

Peter passed out on James’ sofa sometime around sunrise and Sirius and Remus Disapparated, appearing in the back garden of Sirius’ house. They laughed themselves stupid as they made their way to the bedroom and fell asleep while still in their jeans and jumpers.

When Sirius woke up the next morning he could hear the water running from the shower. He immediately jumped out of bed and ridded himself of his clothes. As he entered the bathroom, Remus was just stepping out of the shower, still wet with his hair clinging to his forehead.

“I was going to join you,” said Sirius.

“I just finished. I’ll start coffee while you wash off that smell of smoke. I could still get a scent off my hands when I woke up.”

Sirius turned the shower back on and cleaned himself good, making sure that the scent of weed hadn’t soaked too far into his skin. When he emerged, he smelled like soap and he went into his room and grabbed a pair of comfortable pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt to lounge around the house in.

Remus was seated on the sofa with a book open on his lap and a cup of coffee in his hand. Sirius collapsed next to him and lifted the book to see what it was.

“I don’t have that here.”

“No,” said Remus, shaking his head. “It’s mine.”

“You brought it?” Sirius frowned. Normally Remus simply borrow his books when he came over. “What’s in that box?” asked Sirius, noting a brown box in the middle of his living room. It was a medium sized box and already opened.

“Oh, that’s your Christmas present. I’m a week late.”

“You got me a box? You really know the meaning of romance.” Sirius winked. He got off the couch and picked up the box. “There’s nothing in here,” he said. The box was weightless in his hands.

“There’s a Weightless Charm on it.”

“Oh.” Sirius peered inside. All he could see were books. “This isn’t what I had in mind,” he said. “I was thinking maybe this was a box of naughty toys, but it’s just musty books. Really, Remus, you shouldn’t have.”

“Stop being an idiot and take the books out.”

Sirius sighed and sat the box back down on the floor. He crouched on his knees and began to take the books out one by one. It didn’t take long for him to realize that the box had been charmed to hold more things than physically possible. There didn’t seem to be a bottom to it at all. Below the books was a pair of shoes and a ridiculous amount of socks – more socks than any one person really needed. After the socks were trousers and shirts. Then a few picture frames and music records, jackets, jumpers, and robes. A pillow and a very old blanket Remus always had on his bed at Hogwarts. A notebook that Sirius recognized as the one Remus scribbled in, trying to invent new Defense Against the Dark Arts spells. Everything Remus owned was in that box.

“You’re giving me your shit?” he asked, feigning ignorance, even though he knew what having all Remus’ possessions scattered around him on the floor meant.

“Yes, it’s all yours.”

“Well, you can take back the socks.”

“All right, if you don’t want my socks, I shall take them.”

“So then all the trousers and shirts are mine? Good. You can have your socks and wear nothing _but_ them for all I care.”

Remus smiled and closed his book. He put his coffee cup down and waited for Sirius to spring on him, which Sirius did, kissing Remus’ neck and laughing in the back of his throat.

“You’re moving in! You’re moving in! This really rather makes me fucking ecstatic you know.”

“I know. It was why I was late to James’. I had to finish putting my books in the box and then bring it over here before I met you at the party. Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas.”

Remus pulled Sirius down on top of him and they kissed, tongues sliding into each others’ mouths, snogging deeply, as though neither wanted to let the other go.

“Wait here,” said Sirius suddenly, jumping off the sofa and racing into the kitchen. He opened all the drawers until he found what he was looking for in the very last one. Racing back into the living room, he handed them to Remus.

“You’re giving me scissors?”

Sirius sat down on the sofa and nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s about time I cut my hair. What d’you reckon?”

“I reckon if you think it’s time to cut your hair, then it’s time to cut your hair.”

With a smile, Sirius let Remus begin to cut off his hair, a symbol of good times and happiness that nobody could misunderstand.

XXXXXXX

**The End**

XXXXXXX


End file.
